Heavy Metal

The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

Power Metal

The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

Thrash Metal

The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

Folk Metal

The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave…without the princess.

Viking Metal

The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

Death Metal

The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

Black Metal

The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

Gore Metal

The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her.Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

Grindcore

The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves…

Doom Metal

The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That’s the end of the sad story.

Gothic Metal

The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duett by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell’s eternity.

Progressive Metal

The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess’ bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the â??HEAVY METALâ?? protagonist.

Industrial Metal

The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes anobscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

Speed Metal

Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someones screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she’s been deflowered, dragon and princess are
still looking for the one who did this.

Christian Metal

The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to ‘thank’ the protagonist he replies, “sorry, but I don’t believe in having sex before marriage.”

Glam Metal

The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy’s appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess’ make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

Battle Metal

The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.

Nu Metal

The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

Emo

The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, he gets eaten. The princess
is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.

The Chimaera, Turkey (photo by CDH)

Pyromania is so often the handmaiden of Innovation

- Scott Westerfeld, So Yesterday.

Also, if you are the amazing girl studying french at university and wanting to get into translation, I was replying to your email and accidentally hit “Purge” instead. Now your email is gone forever and I am sad. Please write to me again!

I have a lot of new readers in the last week, so I figured it’s time to properly introduce myself and the blog, and explain why I bothered devoting an entire blog to the heavy metal lifestyle.

Heavy Metal Satan Fingers

I’m Steff – I’m a 25 year old metalhead writer living in New Zealand. I’m married to a Cantankerous Drummer Husband (CDH for short). I update Steff Metal 5-6 days a week with posts about how to live a heavy metal life.

So why would you want to live a heavy metal life?

Easy: the heavy metal life is simple, all-inclusive, and way more fun.

You can live the heavy metal life even if you’re not a metalhead, although a deep love of heavy metal certainly helps. Being a metalhead is a state-of-mind, and has less to do with the clothes you wear and the music you like and more to do with the values you embrace:

1. Metalheads do not apologise for their beliefs.
2. Metalheads care not for your race, creed, religion, political affiliation, or societal status.
3. Metalheads look out for their metal brothers and sisters.
4. Metalheads admire people who think for themselves.
5. Metalheads believe as long as there is metal, life is worth living.
6. Metalheads use words and music to express themselves. They believe feelings – even ugly ones – should be released.
7. Metalheads don’t ask much of the world – good food, good drink, good friends and good music.
8. Metalheads detest being told they’re wrong, because everyone has their own personal truth.
9. Above all else, Metalheads crave freedom.
10. Metalheads exemplify the power of music to unite and to heal.

See? Those are values anyone can relate to.

If you’re new to this blog, you should check out some of my previous articles. Here are some of my favorites:

1. Metal Mixtape: Pirate Metal, Ahoy!
2. Why Metalheads Wear Black
3. Ask A Bogan: I’m Just a Teenaged Metalhead, Baby
4. 42 Ways to Krieg up your Life
5. Fashion for Metalheads: Black Metal Fashion
6. Apocalypse Ladies: Fashion for the End of the World
7. Top Ten Metal First Date Ideas
8. Fashion for Metalheads: Power Metal Fashion
9. 25 Things a Metalhead is Thankful For
10. Top Ten Reasons Metalheads Make Good Writers

You can read more in the Steff Metal Archives, and to be sure you don’t miss any updates, you can subscribe to my RSS, follow me on Twitter or become a fan on Facebook.

Keep it Grymm \m/
Steff

Laura Zindel ceramics

Laura of Laura Zindel Ceramics creates the most incredible ceramic dishware with hand-painted line drawings of bugs and creepy-crawlies, inspired by Victorian Cabinets of Curiosity. She’s just been written up on WebUrbanist, who describe her “transferware” process – a common 18^th century ceramic method not commonly practiced today. She first draws her intricate designs in pencil, then prints them as enamel transfers which are collapsed into the raw pieces and fired.

From Rock n’ Roll Bride, a Perfect Picnic Wedding. You can tell there’s a little magic in the air – I would love to recreate this shoot with friends, good food and a deserted forest. Although, there’d be no beige suits in sight.

There would, however, be one of these amazing cakes.

Also, an elegant, dark, vegan goth wedding.

Several students from the Aaron O’Keefe music school in Ohio recorded a cover of Pantera’s “Cowboys from Hell” Guitarist Joe Hubbell has used some of Dimebag’s solo and incorporated a few of his own ideas. Dimebag wouldn’t have minding – in fact, he would have loved to jam with these kids.

Also in Pantera “news”, ex-vocalist Phil Anselmo spoke to Bloody Disgusting about his favorite horror films of all time. The man has good taste, and there’s a couple on that list I haven’t seen and will have to get my hands on.

Leatherette.

Sister Wolf over at Goddamit, I’m Mad, considers Ordealism: theperformance art form involving putting your body through pain and humiliation. The artist she’s referring to, Abramovic, is having a retrospective exhibition at MOMA, where performance artists are recreating her most famous “pieces”, including the one where she scrubs a room filled with rotting, maggot-infested cow bones on her hands and knees, sobbing while video’s of her parents were projected on the walls. The comment thread on Sister Wolf’s blog is, as always, priceless.

A very thought-provoking article on Decor8 about the increase in DIY Duplicate-it-Yorself projects and how they hurt designers. Princess Lasertron offers a personal look at how this Duplicate-it-Yourself ethos has affected her.

Following on from my post last week on No Clean Chicks Singing, the boys at NCS remembered another good female-fronted metal band: Bloodshoteye. Check them out!

Starry Knights: 14 Star-Shaped Fortresses. These are all on my must-see-next-Europe-adventure list.

From ProBlogger, the go-to guide for blogging success, how to choose a blog niche. This is nearly the exact process I go through when I start a new blog or help a client set up a blog.

Alexander McQueen’s final collection has an ethereal, medieval flair.

Over at Yes and Yes, Sarah brings the funny with a few quotes from comedian Mitch Hedberg. I’ve never heard of the guy (who sadly passed away a few years ago) but he’s brilliant.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and a bunch of koala bears scatter. I’m like, ‘Come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.’

What of you, good readers? Anything interesting going on in your corner of the internet? Feel free to link to cool things in the comments.

Your Cowgirl from Hell
Steff

You can buy your very own set of Bates Motel Towels. One day, we will own a set of these, to go with our blood-spattered bath mats.

Slightly bondage fashion shoot from Tush Magazine. Some of this is NSFW.

As a writer, I follow the developments in the publishing industry closely. Everyone’s talking about ebooks – when will they become our evil overlords? Personally, I am looking forward to the impending ebook apocalypse – while print books will always have a place in the market, the publishing industry can be very wasteful, and I’d love to be able to travel with a device the size of one book that could carry thousands of books. Plane rides would just fly by (oh dear). Anyway, Agent Nathan Bransford agrees. Read his response to e-book skeptics.

by Black Lotus clothing

Gothic / Tribal fusion bellydance clothing from Black Lotus. Wow.

March is Metal Month over from EMI. Over on Metal Insider, they’re giving away the Megadeth reissue back catalogue (US residents only, poo) and you can download an 11 track sampler album for free, featuring rare, unreleased songs from Fear Factory, Five Finger Death Punch and Lacuna Coil.

In wedding porn, Offbeat Bride’s featuring Ouiji Board Save-the-Date cards. I think StD cards are stupid – it’s like sending a “pre-invitation”, but these are cool. The idea could easily be adapted into other ephemera. Also, here’s a punk / rockabilly bridal shoot and some Poe-themed wedding invitations. Nevermore as a wedding theme? Ok-ay.

I used to love Pestilence. They’re doing a tour of the US, their first in 16 years. Who said the US doesn’t get any good metal?

Female Illustrators of the mid-20^th century blog. Doubleplus Wow.

Baroque Bleak Brutal dissects a concert flyer, to the amusement of all (except possibly the poor band who made the flyer). Br00tal

“Heavy Fundementalism: Music, Metal and Politics” the ebook is available for free download. Written by an international team of academics, the ebook includes such stirring works as “Metal Community and Aesthetics of Identity”, “Machine Guns and Machine Gun Drums: Heavy Metal’s Portrayal of War” and “I’m a Metalhead: the Representation of Women Letter Writers in Kerrang! Magazine”. This looks like the sort of thing I’d love, and I’ve got a few nights home alone this week, so I’ll see if I can get a review up for y’all.

Haute Macabre reports a rumor that Gareth Pugh will be taking over as fashion director of the Alexander McQueen Fashion house, after the latter’s suicide last month. I couldn’t think of a more fitting successor.

No Clean Singing’s post on heavy metal cats. Yes, that’s right. This is why No Clean Singing is made of Awesome.

What are you reading this week? 

Horns Up! \m/
Steff

Church of Our Lady (Dresdon) and Flatiron Building lego sculptures

Femme Falate, shot by Patrick Demarcheliar for Vogue Germany (August 2009). Warning: bondage themes and not safe for work. If this is the usual caliber of shoots, I am looking forward to reading Vogue Germany when I eventually move there. A lot of the accessories on this shoot were from Fleet Ilya,

If you’re an urban fantasy / paranormal romance writer with a finished manuscript, Guide to Literary Agents blog is running a “Dear Lucky Agent” competition. Submit the first 150-200 words of your unpublished, book length work of urban fantasy / paranormal romance (adult or YA) and blog / tweet about the contest. You can win a critique of your work by an agent, or a one-year subscription to writersmarket.com. I’ll be entering, for sure.

From Rock n’ Roll bride, November Rain: a Guns n’ Roses themed wedding.

Liz, from The Devil Music, has just finished reading Ozzy’s autobiography. She recommends picking up the book if you’re interested in Ozzy’s life. Here’s the guts of her review:

My impression is of a unintelligent,lovable, ordinary man put in extraordinary situations and ingesting tons of substances to cope with those situations.

From Cosmic Hearse, SubArachnoid Space are the best and longest running instrumental cinematic post-rock/prog band you have never heard of.

Denmark designer Alidra Alic’s new collection of Alice-inspired jewellery.

Bridges on the Body – a corsetry blog. Jo is sewing her way through every corset in Norah Waugh’s book “Corsets and Crinolines”. She says “When I complete this challenge I hope to be able to say, ‘yeah I can sew’ and ‘yeah, I know a bit about corsets’.

Misguided – a UK fashion site which might be of interest. I am interested.

ProjectMetallica’s … And Justice for Jason project seeks to answer the eternal question plaguing metalheads worldwide – what if Metallica had never dropped the bass from … and justice for all? The answer is: quite awesome, actually. The remasters aren’t that great – the bass is purposely turned up too loud, but it does give you an idea of what’s actually going on in bass-guitar land. ProjectMetallica’s youtube channel features bass-restored versions of “blackened”, “one”, “eye of the beholder” and “… and justice for all”, and the rest are being added slowly.

31 Incredible Examples of Lego Architecture

Axe-murderer chic

Did you ever read those Fear Steet books by R. L. Stine when you were a teen? Well, I did, and so I have to laugh at this excellent Fear Street blog which reviews these old favorites and exposes them for the horrid, insipid and totally not-scary books they were. They’ve just reviewed R. L. Stine’s comical book How I Broke Up With Ernie.

That’s all for this week. If you have anything else to link to, post in the comments!

Super Snuggles and Shoggoth Kisses
Steff

A thoughtful post on what the ancient Romans could teach you about living a kick-ass life, from the Positivity Blog. This comes at an odd time for me since I’m waist-deep in reading I, Claudius – I’m right in the middle of Caligula’s reign. Maybe I shall write an article about what Caligula can teach us about living a kick-ass life  … it will certainly be an interesting read.

Check out World Obscura Day! On March 20^th, cities and towns around the world will open the doors to their hidden treasures. Organised by the remarkable folks at Altas Obscura. The list of events grows every day, so if your city isn’t yet listed, keep checking back or, better yet, organize an event of your own.

Inside Tokyo’s Cat Cafes. 

Pinkie and Pony's kick-ass wedding attire

A Dia De Los Muertos, Cemetery wedding, which looks like probably the most fun EVER.

Are you looking for Jane Austin’s new book? This bookstore clerk can’t help you.

Some epic runway snappage from the Prism and the Pendulam

Rackk and Ruin shows us why we should love military issue this year. Also, check out Woodland Creatures, Topshop Unique’s recent show.

If you’ve ever been to Turkey, you probably visited the massive and mysterious Hagia Sofia, in Istambul. If so, this article about underwater archaeology: diving 800 feet below an ancient cathedral, might interest you, as it did my husband, who used to be an underwater archaeologist. Myths circulate that the tunnels beneath the Hagia Sofia connect it with other monuments: the Basilica Cistern, the Topkapi Palace and the Princess Islands. They found hundreds of sealed passages, a graveyard of children’s bones, and the burial chamber of the cathedral’s first priest.

If you’re thinking about blogging, or thinking about blogging, and you’re not reading problogger … you’re a silly person. This guest posts by Larry Brooks on The best writing advice. Ever really packs a whollup. Also this week – 7 tips for profitable niche blogging, for those of us serious bloggers.

Living “Off the Grid” can mean more than just generating your own power. 

Are you man enough (or woman enough) to be friends with extraordinary people?

I am thinking of submitting a paper to this conference. If I did, would anyone read it?

That’s all for the horn this week. Don’t forget to fill out the reader survey!

Horns Up! \m/
Steff

Toronto photographer Ian Pool uses a combination of photoshop, plastic figurines and costumes to create these interesting behind-the-scenes art pictures on the lives of superheroes. I love Darth Vador, on the toilet, reading a parenting magazine, with the sweet plaque saying “May the Dark Side of the Force be With You.”

Darth Vador by Ian Pool

Not Always Right is a blog about those wacky customers every customer service person has to deal with. I loved this TV remote story, which is SO TRUE and totally reminds me how awesome marriage is.

Rackk and Ruin recycled leather spiked headbands. I love. Buy from her Etsy Shop.

If you know anything about the internet, Google alogarithims or SEO at all, this will crack you up: Facebook Login Fail.

ThinkGeek in association with Black Alchemy present … Cthulhu in Love perfume.

“an amorphous mix of oppressive, piceous ritual incense, macerated kelp, sea salt, sticky dark ocean plants, and . . . mixed chocolates.”

Serial Killers Ink: for the metalhead who has everything. Now you too can own a jail canteen list signed by Theresa Knorr or Charles Manson’s drivers license. They do also have – which I found interesting since I just watched a documentary on the Manson cult – some of Charles Manson’s recorded music and the interview by Ron Reagan in 1991, which wasn’t released because the content was so controversial. These downloads are all under $10 and might interest some of you.

The Blog of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks. Win.

Hideous Gnosis – the book. Satan preserve us!

E. Bleak’s hilarious take on Having a Heavy Metal Valentines Day.

10 Fake Simpsons Words That Totally Belong in the Dictionary. I ageee with all. We use “Car Hole” to describe our carage, and most of these other words in every day conversation.

Shoes and Harnesses. Omg.

Angry Norwegians in Scuba Gear chase after Google Streets car. It turns out they were mates with the driver, but doesn’t make this picture any less awesome.

More abandoned houses.

This shoot is hot. Warning: nekkid people.

Sock Dreams are spondering Haute Macabre this month. I had never heard of these guys before, but I think I’m in love. Have I ever told you guys about my OBSESSION with bright coloured socks and stockings? Well … ahem. I have an obsession with bright-coloured socks and stockings. And Sock Dreams is … a dream come true. I will be spending money here in future.

Anybody want a job writing for a zombie-horror movie review site? It’s paid.

I’m heading back into the next round of novel edits, so content might be a bit light and fluffy over the next few weeks – just a heads up. CDH and I have our first German class tomorrow, and I’ve got meetings with friends aplenty before the weekend, when my folks come up to celebrate my birthday! Yay! And I’ve got to find a costume for a Rocky Horror Picture Show hen’s night – I want to go as Magenta, so I might just make something from my own wardrobe.

Horns Up \m/

Steff

iPad, Kindle or Rock - which would you buy?

I have been remiss with the linkage over the last week, but fear not, for the Linking Horn has returned to quench your thirst for clicking!

No you can claim your status as a mosh pit socialite.

10 Upside Down Buildings. Wow, I didn’t even think you could find ten. Most metal of all goes to the Canadian inverted church.

Gaga Face dollar bills, by Craig Clesson.

New favorite band of the week – Keen of the Crow. Southern Californian Doom Metal. This was their first demo, and they did one album on Grau Records, than split up. Sob.

Grymmest Shoes Ever.

In a follow up to my guest post on Apocalypse Ladies, Michelle has created some Valkyrie outfit concepts.

Decaying Attice Grungy photo shoot from Creative Factory. This shoot was done for Ewelina Sliwa’s fashion line, which you should totally check out because it is delicious.

Hello Kitty Chainsaw.

Haute Macabre’s Valentine’s Day Gift Guide.

No Clean Singing’s take on the 70 000 tons of metal cruise.

The internet has been abuzz with predictions with Apple’s announcement of the iPad. Hilarious tampon jokes aside (and there are some great ones), so many people have poo pooed the device as being a closed system. However, read this article, and tell me Apple hasn’t got something fundamentally right. I won’t be buying an iPad – any kind of tabletty device I buy in future will be for ebook reading, and it won’t cost $499, but I can totally see the market for the iPad.

Cupcakes, Metalographer style.

19 Most Complex and Dangerous Roads in the World. We’ve driven (accidentally) through the Birmingham Junction and on that Swiss Alpine Pass. 2 down, 17 to go.

A beautiful woman. 

A new fashion collection by designer Reid Peppard (a vegetarian) called “RP Encore”. As the name awesomely suggests, we are talking taxidermy here. Reign in Blode dubbed the collection “if Cattle Decapitated got into Fashion.”

42 Ways to Simplify Your Life, by Zen Habits. I am drafting a respose called “42 Ways to Kreig Up Your Life”. Stay tuned.

Anything I forgot to add?

Steff

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself. – Neil Gaimen

 Cosmic Hearse gives us a listen to A Tribute of Euronymous. This album was being put together as a showcase of black metal, when Varg went crazy with the bread knife, and it ended up being a tribute to Euronymous. The songs aren’t new to hardcore black metal fans, but it’s an interesting piece of history.

Today, I came home from a long day at work to find a path of rose pedals from the front door. Gasping with surprise, I followed it past the living room… past the bedroom… into the kitchen, where there was a note that said “Friends coming over tonight, we need food, love you!” FML

When Gaga Goes Metal, via Reign in Blonde. And from Metal Insider Lady Gaga, the secret Metalhead. The question is, does this really, REALLY matter to us?

Having visited Berlin earlier this year, I am gutted I never got the chance to see this art installation. German artist Jan Vormann patches old buildings around the world with legos. There’s something about the juxtaposition of those cheery blocks within these derelict spaces that puts a smile on my face.

Continuing on with the abandoned buildings theme, check out these photos of Saddam Hussein’s abandoned palaces inhabited by the military. Talk about juxtaposition!

Sex Ed Fail.

I love a book combining my two favorite things in the world – vampires and grammar.

Re-aligning your chakras, motherf**ker.

My new favorite blog of all time (this changes weekly, btw) is metalographer. And if you think that sounds like the title of a blog where a metal photographer posts pictures of grymm and frostbitten things, you’d be correct. Yesterday, he visited an abandoned mini-golf course in Maine.

From Listverse, 10 Enigmas that defy explanation.

The blog this is why you are fat makes me giggle. Although this bacon and chicken narwhal is quite artistic.

Steampunk meets anthropologie. An amazing interior design aesthetic from photographer Christine Farah. This is a wedding shoot, but you would hardly know it. This is kind of my dream interior design, except a bt more raw and pagan. Wow.

My apocalypse meter went off-the-spike when I read this thoughtful interview with apocalypse artist Kris Kuksi, via Coilhouse.

Lone Wolf, shot by Tim Zaragoza for Metal Magazine.

San Francisco sculpted in Jello-O. All those clear wobbly buildings look so yum.

This one’s for all the fashion bloggers. The Catorialist. Yes, it’s a blog. Yes, the title gives it away. Yes, it’s awesome.

Frock and Roll helps us figure out what to wear with Doc Martins. This pretty much goes for any big, stompy boots.

Baroque Bleak Brutal started a really kreig regular feature called As The Palaces Burned, reviewing the rare gems of metal’s darkest period – between the release of Nevermind and Iron Maiden playing Madison Square Gardens. This week, they looked at Voivod’s Phobos.

Avatar is making people suicidal. Get a grip guys, it wasn’t that great.

Exciting things afoot this week – interviews, guest posts, metal news, modelling shoots, novelling, painting, birthday plans, and a gig on Saturday \m/

Steff