Steff Metal

Dear Steff Metal

Prom is coming up soon, and I’m really worried about it. I don’t have a date, and all the girls in my class are making such a big deal about it. My best friend has asked the guy I have liked for ages, and my group of usually-close friends are all pairing off, and no one has asked me, and I feel yuck and nervous about the whole thing.  

I don’t have the money to buy expensive dresses or shoes, and I’m clueless about makeup, etc. I want to wear something really awesome, but there’s nothing in the shops around town. Our school has strict rules on what can be worn – no low-cut necklines, no mini-skirts, which cuts out lots of the Lip Service stuff, etc.

Do you have any advice?

***

Let me preface by saying we don’t have “prom” in New Zealand. We have a “School Ball” which is pretty much the same concept: it’s for yr 12 and 13 students only (the last two years of high school – Juniors and Seniors, I think you call them), there’s a theme and a committee and everyone dresses up and gets horribly trashed at the after party. They are a big deal, and a lot of time and effort goes into planning them (even at my high school, which was a poorer public high school in a tiny town), but they probably don’t compare to the hype surrounding Prom at US high schools. So, while I’ll try and answer as best I can, I’m only working with my own experience and what i know about Prom from reading Sweet Valley High books.

Prom isn’t really an “alternative” or “metal” thing. You dress up in pretty, feminine dresses, or a suit or tux, spend a lot of time and money on jewellery and makeup and hairdos, you slow dance or shuffle to pop or ballroom music, you drink punch from plastic wine glasses, pose demurely in front of painted backdrops, and you do this for about five hours before you finally get to go to the after party and get shit-faced.

dress from Sisters of the Moon

Everyone makes a big deal out of Prom because:

1. As little girls, we all watched Disney movies like Cinderella and always wanted to dress in ball dresses and dance with a prince. It all seems so lovely and magical and we would love to forget about the difficulties of our life and experience that magic for one night.
2. As guys, we do these things for girls becuase we know the after party is the best party of the year and the girls are in that fairy-tale mood which means we’re probably going to be out all night, if you know what I mean.

The dream is nice. The reality of Prom is a little different.

 I shall tell you about my two school balls: The first one, I had a boyfriend, but he was in year 11 and not allowed to go. my BFF Linley had a boyfriend, Trev-a, who was two years out of high school, and thus allowed to go. So she hooked me up with a friend of hers, Ben, who she’d “always wanted to take to a ball”. We’d met briefly before and he seemed to be a nice - although shy - guy.

So I was to be taking this Ben guy, and Linley was taking Trev-a, and all was right with the world. We got ready at my house (in the same town as the ball) and then were staying the night at Linley’s house in the next town over. We would not be going to the after-ball, as we were too unpopular to be allowed to buy tickets.

My dear Mother Metal got stuck in Ball-fever and decided to make my dress, as she knew (rightly) no ordinary ball dress would do. My dress (which I still own and still fit) is a beautiful burnt orange, with a full skirt of tulle and satin, a corset-style top, and a stole. it’s gleaming and luminous and totally not what anyone else would wear, and I loved it.

There were no digital cameras back in the day, so I don’t have a picture, I’m sorry :(

We brought shoes and black pearl jewellery and had a makeup lesson and brought makeup and gold wire hairbands and all up spent a small fortune (I won’t say how much in case Father Metal is reading this blog and has a heart attack). It was really fun shopping for these things and being excited about something with my mum, who really does “get” me.

Unfortunately, she’s not the most organised lady in the world, and was, in fact, still sewing my dress the night of the ball. But that just makes me smile.

Rebecca dress, from Dare Gothic UK

You can probably guess how the evening played out. Linley and Trev-a danced and whispered sweet nothings to each other, and Ben and I awkwardly shuffled and tried to have a conversation.

We had nothing in common. I mean, nothing. I thought Ride the Lightning was the best album ever recorded, ever. He liked christian worship music and thought a song from the point of view of a biblical plague (“Creeping Death”) was blasphemous. I loved horror films, he liked romantic comedies. I liked art and history and archaeology and dinosaurs and classical writers, he believed the world was 4000 years old and played soccer. Awkward silence ensued, and didn’t leave for the rest of the evening.

(I’m not against anyone having the above beliefs or hobbys, just trying to show how little we had in common.)

Everyone looked amazing, but they were still the same people I went to school with. They ignored me or sniggered about the colour and style of my dress, save a few nice people who went out of their way to say something nice (there were several “nice”, more popular girls who never did anything to hurt anyone and were always nice to me and my ilk, but just had so many friends already they didn’t need us. There were several people who just found us too weird, and several who were outrightly mean.)

The music was shite. The theme was “Wild Wild West” and the decorations consisted of hay bales strewn about the place. If you weren’t dancing, the music was too loud to talk, so we just stood around, nodding and drinking more and more of that non-alcoholic punch and counting down the minutes till I got to go home.

After five hours of this, you start wondering what’s wrong with you. Everyone else is having a blast, why can’t you? Why can’t you be the princess? Why can’t you fit in?

I repeat: balls are not for alternative people, just like one of those popular people would feel out-of-place at a metal show. They’d stand at the back and wonder why they just don’t get it. You can’t dress everyone up in nice clothes and expect them to become different people – you’re still the weird person, and they’re still whoever they are.

When the ball came around in my seventh form year, I decided it had to be different. I no longer had a boyfriend, but had acquired a much larger group of about 20 friends, made up of various outcasts and not-quite-rights. We were drama geeks, Christians, pagans, goths, nerds, gamers, genuine weirdos, and one rugby player who preferred our company to his own herd.

I didn’t want to take a partner for the safe of having a “partner” again, so I just went alone. Alone but not alone, for we all gathered at my place for pre-ball drinks, nibbles and photos. I’d found an amazing deep purple medieval-style velvet dress to wear, complete with lacing and bell sleeves and D-rings galore. I curled my short hair into tight ringlets and wore flat, comfortable shoes. Trev-a brought me a corsage. We took humorous photos and piled into my uncle’s vintage cars for our ride down to the ball.

We danced all night – with each other, in big circles, in a weaving “walk-like-an-egyptian” line through the crowd. We invented silly dances, and headbanged to the slow songs. We took silly photos. We took nothing seriously. One of my friends, Iris, got voted the princess of the ball, and we cheered for her loudest of all.

The five hours sped by, and we returned to my house for our own afterball, an all-night party just for us. Mother Metal stayed up with us too, making chilli fries and chicken nibbles, and Father Metal cooked a huge breakfast in the morning.

One ball was horrid, one was awesome. The difference was my attitude. You have to make the ball experience fit you and who you are.

Be yourself, and realise no one changes just because they’re dressed up nice. The cool kids are still cool, and the weird kids are still weird. Instead of lamenting it, embrace it.

prom dress from Fairy Goth Mother

Buy a dress you want to wear: try Sisters of the Moon or Gloomth or Dare Gothic or Fairy Goth Mother, or find someone to sew you one. Remember Lip Service cater to a specific market – they sell a lot of PVC / fetish / industrial style – if that’s your thing, roll with it, otherwise, what about a more medieval dress? A Victorian or Edwardian ensemble, a 1940s pin up outfit, something covered in skulls, or even a steampunk costume? If you don’t like dresses you could always go in a tux - I went to a ball with my BFF Shane once, where he wore a beautiful pink dress and I wore a top hat and tails. I will find a photo of that and post it later today.

Instead of the usual accessories, brandish a steampunk ray gun, wear a top hat, carry a fan, add some devil horns, wear stripy Alice stockings, buy day-glo dread falls - heck, just do whatever you want.

Organise a pre- and after-ball for your friends, one where you can do what you want - don’t sit around and watch the popular kids get drunk. Be silly, be weird. Hell, you’re expected to, right? You might as well live up to your reputation.

If you don’t like makeup, don’t wear it. No one will notice. If you want to wear your New Rocks under your dress, do it. What are they going to do, kick you out? If so, sounds like a dumb party anyway. “I got kicked out of Prom” makes a great story for the kids one day, don’t you agree?

another beautiful gothic prom dress from Fairy Goth Mother

The music is going to be crap, so make up some crap dances to go with it. We love doing the “egyptian” (you know how it goes!) and lining up along one wall and doing the box step, all in unison. It looks like we’ve choreographed it. I have a signature dance called the “jittery pengiun” and my BFF Shane is a particular fan of the “Cat Burgler”.

Did your best friend know you liked this boy before she asked him? Has she asked him to go out with him or because she was afraid to go without a partner? If you go as a big group of friends, everyone constantly swaps partners on the dance floor, so you’ll probably have time to dance a little with that boy you like. Don’t waste that chance – tell him he looks amazing, smile and have a great time. Be the life of the party and even if you didn’t get the guy, you might have intrigued the guy enough that he might find opportunity to get closer to you in future (unless of course he and your friend are genuinely falling in like, in which case disregard this paragraph).

Lastly, don’t go to the after-party just because it’s meant to be the best party of the year. Go if you get on okey with half the people attending the party. Otherwise, it’s going to blow chunks. Have your own party, or why not go to a show or club instead? Be with your people, and sod all the rest.

I sincerely hope you have a wonderful time and I would love to hear all about it and see photos, if you cared to send them in! Other Steff Metal readers, I’d love to see pics of you in your prom / ball getups, metal or goth or no. Send to steff AT steffmetal DOT com.

Don’t forget, I can only keep writing this column as long as people email me with questions. So if you want advice on something, anything, no matter how serious, no matter how trivial, shoot me an email, and I’ll see what I can do.

Horns Up \m/
Steff

What did you do on Sunday? I had the best day ever.

See? We did actually hijack a train.

CDH and I and 20 of our closest friends spent the day at Glenbrook Vintage Railway. Now, this may not sound exciting, but with 20 metalheads, anything can … and does … become automatically awesome.

I decided I wanted a steampunk-themed birthday party, to celebrate finishing (and possibly selling) my steampunk novel this year. As you all know, metalheads love to dress up, so the idea of pulling out the corsets and crinolines and bustles and fantasy goggles appealed to all our friends, who put serious effort into their costumes for the day.

Amy and Kelli rocking their handmade steampunk outfits

Amy and Kelly came around to our place earlier to get dressed. They made their steampunk outfits themselves, and had raided the local antique shops for their hats and watches and telescopes.

Gallery Serpentine corset

I'm on a train! (it's cooler than being on a boat)

I wore:

• black tulle skirt, $4 from second-hand shop
• black ruffled shirt, from Smoove, a present from friends for my last birthday
• Forest green corset, from Gallery Serpentine
• Pandora beads, including cute new Pumpkin bead from Jessocles and JP for my birthday
• Top hat, from Camden markets – with Essex badge and cameo broch on it.
• fingerless gloves, Glassons
• chainmail spike bracelet, gift from BFF linley from the US
• Leonardo de Vinci socks, from Sock Dreams (gift from parents – who rock!)
• Jeffrey Campbell boots (another gift from parents – who doubly rock!)
• studded SDP belt (from somewhere in Aus), Skull and crossbones belt (Supre, of all places!), eyelet clip thing from bondage pants, chains (from Glassons, years ago!), leather pouch from a pair of binoculars

Iris and Steff

Iris looked beautiful, as usual, and had her goggles made by a friend who creates movie props. They looked amazing.

Kelli, Aaron and Amy

Aaron looked like a dapper genteel serial killer. He made his glasses himself, including the laser sight.

You rang?

Liz in her steampunk costume

Liz had another awesome costume – she made her goggles and watch herself, and found her jewellry and her wicked camera (you cn just see it behind her arm) at an antique store.

Tarah and Tim in steampunk costume (beautiful photo by Ryan Fogarty)

Tarah – who I think must be one of the most beautiful ladies in the world - and Tim, looking quite dapper for a drummer.

Levi's got me!

CDH - the "running wild fan"

CDH came dressed as “a Running Wild fan”. He prefers to stand behind the camera.

Help!

If you want to have a similiar birthday, these tiny vintage railways exist all over the world. They’re usually run by volunteers and are quite inexpensive to visit. We chartered a carriage for the entire day for $250, which split between 20 people, turned out to be about $12 each, plus $1 extra for a jigger ride. The railway put some trestle tables in the carriage for us and we each brought a plate of food and drink to share.

Horns Up! \m/

We had heaps of fun taking crazy photos on and off the trains. The Glenbrook railway stops at the maintenance sheds for 10 minutes each trip, so we had several stationary trains to climb over as well. The other visitors kept stopping us for photos – and the volunteers thought us great fun.

So long! Do forget to write!

I’m going to have to think of something extra-awesome for next year to top this. Any ideas?

Steam up!
Steff

You might notice a little change on the sidebar. On the request of a few readers from the survey (which you totally need to fill out if you haven’t already. I’ve had so many ideas from reading all your answers) I’ve created a Steff Metal Facebook Fan Page, and you can become a fan and read new posts as they go live, as well as look at photos I put up and participate in Facebook-only discussions and giveaways! That’s Grymm! So become a fan and tell your friends :)

Ah, anime, is there anything you can't teach us?

This post deals with the second half of a question I recieved last week, about dealing with being a metalhead at high school. I wanted to deal with the topic of school uniforms seperately, so we could have some fun without belittling the first part of this reader’s question, which is something quite near to many of our hearts.

As a teenager at high school, this reader wanted to know how to look “metal” while still obeying the school’s uniform policy.

We metalheads do love to look the part and I’m the first to admit I devote more time than perhaps necessary to sourcing the perfect metal fashion and accessories. It’s fun, it fosters community spirit, expresses my deep, unending love for all things metal, and supports other independent, subculture designers, so it is all good.

Except if you’re at high school, and your school has a uniform or a dress standard that forbids Slayer shirts and pentagram necklaces. What’s a teenaged metalhead to do?

You can’t do anything about the uniform. Well, you can write angry letters to the school board about the lack of ability to express yourself and the high cost of uniforms for low-income families and the anachronism of uniforms in the modern world, and you might get somewhere, but chances are, the school wants a uniform, and with a uniform it shall stay.

And yes, I was a student who wrote letters to the board about the anachronism of uniforms in the modern world, and I believe I did indeed use the word “anachronism” and possibly the word “post-modernism” and it got me nowhere, although the principal did enjoy my letter.

You could flout the rules totally and show up in your favorite band shirt and leathers – but you might get expelled, which is totally metal but might make it difficult for you to get a job.

You have to think of uniform policies as less of a set of “rules” and more of a challenge in lateral thinking.  The teachers enforce these rules in order to get you to think of ingenius ways of flouting them without getting caught. It’s a mental challenge to you, and also an exciting game for them: teacher’s collect confiscated items like trophies – and the more interesting the items, the more “teacher scene” points they get from their colleagues. These are cultural rituals important to every teenager’s experience of high school, and should be regarded with spiritual devotion.

Who's gonna confiscate her accessories?

Despite my own high school’s strict policy regarding accessories, every student wore their own “bling”. We kept it understated, so we couldn’t get pulled up for it, but a statement we did make. The Christians wore crucifixes, the Hip-Hoppers wore hundreds of rings on their fingers, the popular girls wore necklaces from their boyfriends, the cute girls decided to forgo the generic blue and gold school scarf for soft, fluffy pink ones. My BFF Shane wore a monkey t-shirt under his white shirt and a bead necklace, my other friend Amy wore a pentagram necklace which caused her no end of grief, another friend wore a spiked dog collar under her shirt. Everyone had more piercings than the alotted 1 per earlobe.

And sure, this stuff got confiscated regularly. But you could always get it back, after the teachers had bragged about their catch and earnt their scene points, of course. Plus, you’re rebelling against the system, which is all kinds of metal.

If you have to wear a necktie, find one in your school colour with a screenprinted design. I love the steampunk and skull designs from Rok Gear. You probably won’t get away with wearing this tie for long, but you never know.

Steampunk Skull necktie, $25, from Rok Gear

Hats! You need a hat to keep the sun off, right? Some schools issue those horrid baseball caps with the school logo, but who’s going to notice if you wear something different, eh? I am a particular fan of anything procured from an army surplas store (although maybe stay away from the pith helmets. A little conspicuous).

Necklaces can be worn by guys and gals. I find anything on a leather thong looks great tucked under the collar of a white shirt – Thor’s hammers, occult symbols, even Wacken dog tags. Try to keep jewellery to only one statement piece: if you’re wearing a metal necklace, put plain studs in your ears. If you have a spike through your nose, don’t wear any other jewellery. You don’t want to overdo it!

Metal wristbands

At my high school it was a mark of honour among certain groups to wear the wristbands from a New Zealand Christian music festival for months or years after the festival took place. Having never been to said festival, I can’t comment on whether it warrented such elite treatment (it could have been awesome. I don’t know). But if you’ve been to any metal fastivals, consider keeping the wristbands on year round as a sign of your kvltness.

The other oft-forgotten totem of individuality at high school is the school bag. I’ve never heard of a school placing rules on the colour and style of school bags allowed, so metal yours up with spikes and studs and band patches. Throw it in the dirt so it looks all old and scungy. If you don’t want a backpack, opt for a messenger bag or army-surplas store utility belt instead.

Carry your essentials in pencil cases made from army ration tins, PVC and spikes, coffin-shaped purses, Viking-style leather pouches and remnants of old metal shirts.

Hair – wear it down, wear it long. Keep a hairtie around your wrist in case you’re told to tie it back, but pull it out again later. You can’t practise

Go all-out on mufti days. Seriously, go crazy. You have nothing to loose, save your dignity, and you’re a metalhead, so you don’t give a fuck about that.

Remember that above all, metal is an attitude, not a fashion trend. If you are metal, you will look metal, no matter what you wear.

Horns up! \m/
Steff Metal

Ich bin fünfundzwanzig Jahre alt!

birthday cupcakes!

I’m 25 years old today. It’s nice. I like it. I’m feeling it.

Some people loathe their birthday, and I’ve never understood that. But then, I was talking to Father Metal on the phone last night and he pointed out I’ve packed more into my quarter century than most people do in their entire lives”.

I think maybe this fear of birthdays stems from. A birthday is a time when you’re forced to step outside yourself and look objectively at your life. Looking back can be terrible, if we haven’t done what we wanted, or what we should have done, or we know we’re going nowhere. On the other hands, us perfectionists can feel like we’re letting ourselves down – “another year over and I still haven’t got that Pulitzer!”

Here are some ideas for celebrating your birthday the “metal” way, and not being sad you’re another year older!:

Find out who was born on your birthday, and theme a party or do something fun related to them. For example, Pierre Auguste Renoir was born on my birthday, so to celebrate, I might take a life-drawing class or sketch my husband nekkid while he’s not looking. Or I could celebrate with Sean Astin (Samwise Gamgee from Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings) by having a hobbit picnic in the park. Or, as Anthony Burgess – author of A Clockwork Orange, also shares my birthday, I might don a strange costume and bowler hat and beat up parishioners …

Along the same vein find out what happened in history on your Geburtstag. I know now that on my birthday in 1751, the first ever performing monkey was exhibited in the US. (I should go to the zoo!) and in 1838 a London pedestrian walks 20 miles backward and forward in 8 hours (I don’t know why and I’m not doing it). My birthday in 1859 was the first use of the “insanity” plea to secure innocence, and in 1932 this was the day immigrant Adolf Hitler recieved his German citizenship.

Do something you’ve never done before. I know I say this a lot, but achieving something – no matter how ridiculous – outside your comfort zone really makes you feel alive. If you can’t think of anything, ask an adventurous friend.

See friends and family. Nothing makes a birthday more enjoyable than spending it with people who care about you.

Write a list of everything you’ve achieved in your lifetime, and a list of everything you still want to do. Then go and do one of those things.

Get some new birthday traditions – borrow from other cultures (see this wicked list of birthday traditions), or make up your own.

Throw the rulebook away: Dispense with the diet for a day, forget about “going for a run”, take the day off work, celebrate! Today I had pie and mocha tart for breakfast, and I’m going to have a huge chocolate sundae for lunch.

Buy yourself a small gift – a new CD, a corset, a mocha tart, just to say “yeah, I’m pretty cool. If I was friends with me, I’d totally buy me this”.

Make a metal mixtape of all your favorite songs from previous years (I’m sure you will remember them) and blast it all day. It’s the soundtrack for your life.

Any more ideas!

Super Snuggles and Shoggoth Kisses
Steff

Following on from my two previous fashion-by-subgenre articles: Power Metal Fashion and Black Metal Fashion, I give you … fashion advice for Death Metallers.

Death Metal. Probably one of the most heavily-underrated musical genres of all time. Due no doubt to the gutteral, growling vocals, complex songs structures, multiple tempo changes, shaggy hairstyles, and album covers featuring demembered bodies. Apparently, not everyone thinks dismembered bodies are cool. Or songs like “Meathook Sodomy.” I know, right? Go figure some people.

Death metal originated in the bay area with bands like Possessed and Death, and Florida’s Morbid Angel, Deicide and Obituary. 1987 saw the release of Death’s Scream Bloody Gore, considered by most to be the first “tr00″ death metal album.

Although a strictly underground style, it became one of the most distinctive metal sounds to emerge from the US, enduring long after glam metal died it’s ugly, obnoxious death.

Death metal carries the flag for having the most prolific range of sub-sub- and sub-sub-sub-genres: there’s technical death metal, gore metal, melodic death metal, gothenburg death metal, blackened death, progressive death metal, death/doom, goregrind, deathgrind, deathcore, symphonic death metal, viking death metal, folkdeath, brutal death metal, brutal gore metal, brutal technical death metal, brutal melodic technical death metal with viking influences … you can see where I’m going with this …

Clothing

As with all other genres, the staple of an death metal wardrobe is a decent collection of death metal t-shirts.

For some reason, unbeknownst to me, death metallers are particularly fond of long-sleeved metal shirts, and care for these highly prized possessions as they do their first born children. I’ve often wondered if this predisposition towards long sleeves has anything to do with death metallers spending more time standing around outside the club, smoking, than inside watching the band.

Exhibit A: Steff in Cannibal Corpse long-sleeve

Exhibit B: My charming husband (who loathes having his photo taken, hence his rude gesture) in a long-sleeve (Can you tell we go to the same gigs?)

Death metallers like to proudly display the scars of their moshpit misadventures – so ripped, torn, patched, faded, and gourged clothing is a must. If someone asks you how your clothes got destroyed, you must launch into a story of an epic battle for the barrier of a Morbid Angel gig, or a dramatic retelling of the time Glen Benton kicked you in the head.

Death Metallers love everything horrible, gory and sick. They’re fans of cheesy B-grade horror films and those Japanese cartoons where everyone gets raped by tentacles (I’m serious, it’s like a whole film sub-genre). So if you can’t source any death metal tees, horror movie memorabilia makes a good second choice.

Other wardrobe staples include blue jeans and cargo pants in various stages of disrepair, and a decent pair of steel-capped boots.

Women in death metal tend to project an image of tomboy tough – denim and leather, tank tops and cargo pants and chains.

Since a lot of death and gore metal employs themes of dismemberment, hospital operations gone wrong (one of my fave grindcore / death metal acts Carcass do this so well), clothing inspired by nurse’s attire seems to be a favorite for the ladies.

Military chic, death-metal style

Death is never more present than in times of war, so it’s not surprising military dress appeals to death metallers. For guys, that’s camo pants and cargo pockets, and for ladies, that’s military dresses and skirts.

Hair

Death metallers love their hair. It’s the most important part of their attire. Without long hair, how can you windmill? How can you cover your pimply face on stage? How can you lacerate the baby-deaths until they bleed?

Hair is matted to the face, covered in sweat and dripping with gore. Dreadlocks look appropriate too, and they’re great for flicking people in the face in the mosh pit (I had dreadlocks once, so I know this is standard practise).

Accessories

Following on from the military theme, no death metaller would be complete without their bullet belt. That’s right, a belt made from a strip of bullets and bullet links. You can buy bullet belts online, or make your own. Obviously they should be real bullets. Bonus points if they’re live bullets. Extra bonus points if their not live bullets but one of the bullets was dug out of somebody.

a very attractive-looking death-metal type

I’ve seen some death metallers wearing a leather cuff. Unlike mallgoths, who wear their spikes and studs all the way from their wrists to their elbows, a death metaller chooses ONE, well-made, not-covered-with-bling cuff. Any more and you’re going to look like a try-hard, and you don’t want to know what happens to try-hards in the pit …

Style Icons

Angela Gossow (Arch Enemy)

Glen Benton - Deicide

Kittie - getting more death-y with every album

Deadlock - german melodic death metal

Cannibal Corpse

Severed Heaven

Matriarch

Shopping

November Fire: an incredible collection of classic horror film shirts (and by classic, I mean old-school and b-grade). These shirts are hand-screened on heavy black cotton. Noice.

Queen of Darkness: This is a German site, but it’s worth a look. A lot of their stuff is a bit OTT with the chains and buckles and things, but I brought a few pieces (including a military mini-dress) from Wacken and LOVED what I found.

Kitty Vamp Designs: repurposed death metal t-shirts, made into wicked women’s clothing.

Lip Service: Normally these guys are a bit too “mallgoth” but their latest collections are actually quite br00tal. The rule with these kind of labels is all in how you style them!

Kinky Angel: more military / nursey stuff for girls.

Batwings and Battleaxes: I love the cuffs these guys make – understated, but unmistakingly metal.

Dear Steff Metal

I am 15, and at high school. I don’t have many friends – people think I am weird. Sometimes I try to talk to people but I always end up saying the wrong things. I am not Christian like the majority of the popular kids, and I have lots of patches on my backpack and art folder so rumours start that I’m a satanist or a witch. Sometimes I laugh it off but it still makes me sad. I would like to make friends with cool people like you and not be so awkward, and I’d like to have a boyfriend, but no one will like me like that. What do I do?

Also, we have to wear a uniform, how to I “metal” it up without breaking the rules?

Wow, if there was ever an email I could relate to, it was this one. You sound like me in high school, except probably cooler, because you weren’t mostly blind on top of everything else. So take some solace in that I, and likely most of the rest of us, shared you pain at one time in our lives! And now look how cool we are!

(no, don’t answer that).

Here’s my advice:

Appreciate those friends you DO have: you said you hardly have any friends, so you must have a few. In high school we can get so caught up in the “popularity” buzz, we look for quantity, rather than quality. I had so few friends in high school that I got super incredible close to the ones I did have, and we’re still friends today, eight years on.

So before you start yearning after new friendships, take care of the ones you’ve already got. Think of fun things to do every weekend – don’t just sit around and mope. Go on crazy adventures. Keep a photo diary together of all your crazy happenings – you’ll be grateful for it in a few years time. Write a list of a hundred things you’ve never done before (go kayaking, explore a cave, have a tea party, see a Christian band live, take photobooth pictures, make sushi), and go do them together. Listen to each other. Give lots of hugs.

Don’t spend your weekends wishing you could go to the cool kids parties: because you probably wouldn’t like them anyway, and the music will be shit. I spent most of my highschool wishing I could go to these things, and in seventh form (Senior year for you yanks, when I was 17) I finally got to go to some, since I was in school productions with popular kids, and we all got invited to the cast parties. And do you know what? They weren’t this magical world of fun – they were boring as fuck. You stood around and drank and waited for some drunk rugby heads to do something funny. You waited for hours.

Give yourself some positive energy: Teenagerdom is all about angst and suffering and no one understands my life. Tres dramatique. It’s healthy to be morose and sullen at this time – that’s what your hormones want you to do, so you’ll be unattractive to boys and then your wont dump seven screaming bastard children onto your unsuspecting parents. But don’t only surround yourself with deep and meaningful (read: sad and angry) poetry and music and images – you need a light at the end of the tunnel.

Put posters of hot metal boys on your wall, stick up a picture of the university you want to attend, read books about remarkable people achieving amazing things, save all your money for an overseas holiday after your high school graduation. If you can’t be excited about the here and now, be excited about the future – heck, it got me through high school.

Start saving to go to a metal festival: If you can, go to one in Europe. It will change your life. Srsly.

Become friends with yourself: I had to learn the art of, as Gala Darling would put it, radical self love, from an early age, because I was the victim of bullying since age 6 and I sure didn’t have any other friends to lift me up. How do you practise self-love? Gala has a few (100) ideas as part of her radical self-love month. It might be too sparkles and glitter for us grymm ladies, but she is worth a read.

Embrace the Real World: I’m sorry you’ve been feeling sad, that really sucks. Everyone feels sad sometimes, especially when people spread hurtful rumors about them and make them feel they’re not worth being friends with. Your high school does not present an accurate represententation of the world – it’s a little socialological bubble – the rules work differently there than in the real world.

So live in the real world. Forget about high school. If high school didn’t exist, what would you do? Would you go to metal concerts every day. So start going to concerts now – go see local bands at all age gigs, get your parents to drive you into the nearest city. Would you learn the electric guitar? Then find a teacher and go learn it! Would you move to Norway where the tr00 metalheads live? Than look into doing a year-long cultural exchange in Norway. Seriously, you can do these things.

The more you involve yourself in real world activities, the more you realise how crazy high school is, and the less you feel attached to it as your sole source of social interaction.

Also, the more you take on outside-school activities and interests, the more people you meet who share those interests – people who attend different schools, people who are home-schooled … or older boys. Ooooooh. You may even find a beau who understands you br00tal tendencies. You’re more likely to find him at a local hardcore gig than in math class, surely?

Realise that what people say about you is a reflection on them, not you: I know this so doesn’t help, but it’s true. You know you’re not a witch or a satanist, and if you were, there wouldn’t be anything wrong with that, either. You’re not an evil person, and you shouldn’t want to be friends with anyone who wants to imply you are. You don’t need these people, and by the time high school is over, you’ll never have to see them again, so try to stop worrying so much about the ignorant things they say.

Here’s the thing: if you’re going to be a metalhead forever, you’re going to have to get used to not fitting in. Metal is not, and will never be, mainstream in America (if you were European, you might find things a little different). Likely, you will not fit in at your job, at university, at your gym, in your evening Norwegian class, your bowling club, or your old-folks home.

So you have to cultivate a way to deal with this – and you might as well start right now. I’ve broken your options down into four camps:

Secret Squirrel Metalhead: Some people embrace anomiyity. They don’t wear metal shirts or grow their hair long or rave. They embrace “normal” hobbies and “normal” conversation topics. You wouldn’t know they were a metalhead unless you looked at their iPod, or asked them what they got up to that weekend and they sheepishly admitted, “Oh, this band I like was playing. They’re called Slayer …”

Metalhead Meh: You wear the shirts, because you like ‘em. You listen to the music and go to the shows, because you love ‘em. You’re gung ho for team metal when you’re drinking with your mates, but in the “real world” you try to accept that if others If someone asks, you’ll talk metal, but otherwise, you’d rather be noticed for who you are rather than what you’re wearing.

Heatogram on My Sleeve: Oooh, I’ve been wanting to sneak a HIM reference in here somewhere. They’re the new Korn or Limp Bizkit, you know, the band that people say “Oh, I like metal, too. I’ve got HIM’s new album. Argh.” Anyway, slightly off topic. The Heartogram on My Sleeve metalheads wear their weirdness – and their heart – on the outside, usually in the form of a bold tattoo. They believe the flesh outside should reflect the beast within. They are the “weird one” at their company, but they’re nice and genuine and no one really cares. They talk enthusiastically about the things they love, and don’t notice the looks of confusion that cross the faces of the un-initiated. They don’t know how to be “normal” and always seem like they’re dressing in a costume when they wear normal things.

I saw Kerry King’s face, and I’m a Believer: Still others believe in heart and soul that metal is the one true path, and like an evangelical preacher with an axe to grind, they loudly and proudly attempt to convert everyone around them into metalheads. They’re the ones thrashing Beastial Holucaust through their headphones at air-splitting volume with the specific purpose that you might hear it and realise it’s actually fucking awesome. They’re the ones who stop by your desk to deliver you stacks of Nightwish CDs because “this is really melodic and accessible and if you like Lady Gaga you will totally be blown away by these guys.”

I fit somewhere between the second and third categories, but it took me a long time to get there. I spent half my time in high school trying to “fit in” and the other half blatently bashing and boycotting everything that was hip. I was also gangly, nerdy and downright weird. Then I got to university and suddenly everything that made me unpopular in high school made me completly cool. So weird.

As to your second question, I’m going to answer that in a seperate post. And it will be great fun, I promise \m/

I hoped I’ve helped a little. Please feel free to write back or post in the comments and let us know how you get on. If anyone else has any words of wisdom, or can give me a great list of witty comebacks for accusations of witchcraft, shout out in the comments!

And please, if anyone wants some advice from me, and my kickass readers, on any situation, serious or humorous or mad or mundane or otherwise, please just write me at steff AT steffmetal DOT com, and I’ll do my best to answer your question.

Steff

I’ve had a few questions from readers asking how CDH and I decorate our home. I wasn’t entirely certain why anyone would want to know this, but I’ve discovered aging (read, over 20) metalheads decorating their first homes and wanting something more than the old beer can pyramid in the living room.

CDH and I like a “laid-back Viking” style – lots of ancient treasures everywhere, but not a full-on “welcome to the longhouse, please wipe your feet” experience. Of course, we will be able to go crazy when we build our own place, but that’s a few years away yet.

One of our bookshelves. You can see my Egyptian thingies, the clay pot from a kebab shop in Cappadocia (the kebab was INSIDE the pot), the candle we lit at out wedding, and a bunch of books we like to read

Aside from black, my favorite colors are red and orange, and CDH’s favorite color is sea-green. We keep a dark palette of colors, because I prefer to be in dark rooms (light-sensitive, you see, like a vampire) and darkness ist krieg. We have wooden floors, which look awesome but are a bitch to look after, so we’ve covered them with heaps of multi-colored rugs. I love how it makes our lounge look like one of those alleyway antique shops.

We have too many books, so we had to buy more bookshelves, which double as knick knack stands. Sooooo many knick knacks.

I made this dreamcatcher. I collected the duck feathers from beside a pond while on holiday.

My office (which I haven’t taken pictures in yet because it is a MESS) is decorated with inspiring paper ephemera, including fantasy greeting cards by Ann Sudeworth from Avebury in England, a lace duck card from Bruges, and a personalized WANTED posted and box I made in the printing room at MOTAT. CDH’s office is decorated with transformers and train books.

So, that’s what we do. What about you?

More of our bookshelves. Here we have a celtic cross, a small display of my fossil / bone / stone collection, our wedding album, and an Aladdin lamp CDH brought me in Syria

Heavy Metal Décor is what you want it to be – if you think heavy metal décor is tiger-striped rugs, black leather couches and 80s kitsch, then you’ve created yourself a metal haven. If you liken a metal interior design to a minimalist black and red design with elliptical lampshades and a dining room table so shiny you could play air hockey on it, then metal it up my minimalist friend!

I believe your house should be filled with objects and colors and details which make you happy. You should walk in the door and just smile. And because you are a person with very specific tastes, your home tends to become full of things you like, and this creates a cohesive style without you needing to think about it.

My perfume, brought from Egypt. I have this displayed in the bathroom. Don't you just love the little bottle and the vial shaped like a camel?

What to look for: Old gig posters to frame, (I love reading I want your skull for truly unique gig poster artwork, straight from the artist themselves), horror film memorabilia, black and red and purple and gold, spikes, studs, eyelets, bondage features, ancient talismans, artifacts, skulls aplenty, natural fabrics in dark shades, leather and faux leather, Vikings, crosses (you can easily invert them, if you so choose), steampunk, Scandinavian and German design, metal inserts, metal everything, “alternative” artwork, old vinyl record sleeves, skulls, taxidermy, paper ephemera.

Viking Soap Dish. The BEST thing we brought back from Europe. Everytime people go to the bathroom they comment on it \m/

I painted both these viking ships. I am working on making prints so others can have their very own Steff Metal viking ship.

CDH's office guardians

Visit: second-hand and thrift shops, alleyway antique shops, swap meets and car-boot fairs, fabric sales and hippy craft fairs, medieval markets and pagan festivals, eBay, the “classified” sections of metal forums. Scandi-design books.

Remember, interior design evolves over time. There’s no sense throwing everything in a room away and going out to buy a whole new set of furniture and “decoration”. It’s about spying that perfect painting in an artist market in Berlin, or sewing latex cushions while listening to Darkthrone. Your décor won’t be finished until you die, and even then you might return to rearrange the sofas.

So, what are your favorite aspects of your interior decorating? What items do you more hope to attain? What would be your dream room?

If people are keen and we get some ideas flowing I am happy to do more posts on this subject.

Steff

As promised, here are 42 ways to add some tr00, kvlt, krieg, grymm, evil metalness to your life:

1. Air guitar on the train
2. Make your own bullet belt 
3. Alphabetize your CD / Vinyl collection. Mine is alphabetized by the second letter of the artists name, because I’m special.
4. Organise your CD / Vinyl collection by sub-genre.
5. Tattoo album art onto your body
6. Draw tomato sauce pentagrams on top of pizza
7. Drive a tank
8. Go hunting
9. Go hunting with bow and arrow
10. Learn an instrument
11. Attend Wacken
12. Drink from a horn
13. Be constantly broke
14. Yell “Play some Slayeeeeeer” at concerts. Every concert. Yes, even the Symphony. 
15. write in runes
16. death growl your wedding vows
17. sign your name in virgin’s blood
18. quote Nietzche at inappropriate moments
19. quote Manowar during sex
20. add a metal umlaut to your name
21. plan the playlist for your funeral.
22. Name your health insurance policy “Metal Health”
23. Own a sword
24. live the maxin ‘combat boots go with everything”.
25. Cover all your clothing with patches …
26. … including your underwear
27. Buy a copy of Dawn of Black Hearts with Dead’s dead body on the cover for a ridiculously inflated price.
28. Name your children after Cannibal Corpse songs
29. Name your cat after a demon of hell
30. chop your wood with a battleaxe
31. Work the words tr00, kvlt, krieg, grymm, evil and nekro into your daily vocabulary
32. headbang during sex
33. design your own illegible “black metal” signature to sign important documents with
34. save your ticket stubs in a photo album, alongside guitar picks and drumstick remnants tossed from the metal gods.
35. put your old underground black metal bootlegged cassette tapes on ebay for $500 apiece.
36. Spend the proceeds on beer. 
37. eat steak at every meal
38. silence is golden, but blastbeats are better.
39. have a side project
40. use \m/ in all email correspondence
41. read this, and giggle.
42. Be yourself and to hell with what everyone else thinks.

Feel free to add more ideas.

Horns up \m/
Steff

For all you inked lads and ladies, I’ve got Michelle of Wicked Whimsy over to talk to y’all about one of her favorite topics – tattoos.

Tattoos: They’re everyone’s favorite permanent accessory. But you want to keep them looking good all the time, right? Here’s a few tips to make that easier:

As far as dressing to accentuate your ink, there’s a few easy tips. Have tattoos on your legs? Wear skirts (or a Utilikilt!). On your back? Try key-hole cut outs or v-neck backs. Sorry guys, you’re probably out of luck here! It might require some creative dressing in the cooler months, but it’s still possible to show ‘em off – try wearing a tank top or t-shirt with long armwarmers to let arm tattoos shine, or just lots of sheer layers. Probably not practical for chillier climes, but for those of us lucky enough to be in places where it’s only cold for a month or two, it works great.

In summer, it’s a lot easier to show them off, but there’s still a few things you can keep in mind. Try wearing complimentary colors near your tattoos. Example: if you’ve got a piece that has a lot of red in it, try wearing something green toned – maybe not bright green, as that might be a bit eye-stinging, but a nice teal would make the red pop. Or, as an alternative, you could scatter touches of red throughout your outfit – a belt, gloves/wristwarmers, bracelets, etc. Either of these will help bring your tattoo(s) out even more.

Since you’re going to be showing off your tattoos, you want to make sure you keep them looking fabulous. The most basic of these is something that (I hope!) you’re already doing: wear sunscreen! It doesn’t have to be greasy or stinky – spray on is my personal favorite, and I’ve had good luck with Neutrogena brand sunscreen. Remember to re-apply often.

Some of us (i.e. me) are super paranoid and like to have a second line of defense. A parasol is a great choice – they can be anywhere from retro-pin-up to super steampunky. They can be picked up on the cheap, too – check thrift stores, flea markets, or eBay. Aside from a little extra shade, it can add the perfect finishing touch to your ensemble too!

There’s some of my tried & true methods. What’s your favorite way to show off your ink?

Valentine’s Day looms on the horizon, like a dark, looming thing.

It seems horribly clich’ed, but I’m not a Valentine’s Day fan. It seems like such a fake, commercial “holiday”. There’s no real “holiday” aspect to it. You don’t relax on the beach, or curl up on the couch with a good book, or hang out with friends. You buy some tacky teddy bear with a heart balloon and hope you’re gonna get laid.

The origins of Valentines Day are lost in the ages. No one even knows if it’s related to Valentine. It’s likely our modern traditions derive from the Roman fertility festival of Lupercalia. When the Romans were Christianised, they transformed all their pagan holidays into church-sanctioned parties. In 496 AD the Pope declared Lupercalia the feast of St. Valentine, who had performed secret marriage services during their reign of Claudius II and was executed for this <>. Claudius ruled during a great period of strife and believed marriage made his soldiers weak.

In medieval France and England (thanks Chaucer) St. Valentines Day came to be associated with romance. The church tried to bring the holiday back to sacred pursuits, but it’s popularity as a day for courtship and romance grew. In the Middle Ages, handmade cards and gifts were exchanged between lovers, and this practise moved with the expansion of the empire until it reached the Americas, where the first commercial Valentines cards were printed in the 1840s.

I think, as always, the church takes these things far too seriously, and Valentines Day, if you choose to celebrate it, should be a day of fun and frivolity. But there’s so much pressure now: “how many Valentines did you get?” “What did YOUR husband do?”, “Don’t worry, I’m sure SOMEONE will give you a Valentine” that Valentines Day just isn’t any fun. And more and more people boycott this holiday, including us.

CDH said once “I’m not participating in a gift grab designed to make insecure women feel special. My job is to make you feel special every day of the year.” And it’s true, and I agree with him, and he does.

I tried to find a picture of a metal valentine, but these guys kept coming up instead. Aren't they ... well sculpted?

But not everyone agrees with me and I don’t see the harm in a retail-mandated excuse to indulge your beloved. As a lady easily swayed by romantic notions (although my idea of romance differs considerably from that of the “average” female) I offer some tips to my male readers on romantic gestures for your metalhead missus, for Valentines Day, or any day.

1. Instead of buying her sexy lingerie, find her a limited-edition Pestilence vinyl.

2. Instead of saying “I love you,” throw her the goat. (bonus points if it’s a real goat).

3. Forgo sappy flowers. She’d much prefer a deadly nightshade plant.

4. Instead of a heart-shaped necklace, present her with a Thor’s Hammer on a leather thong.

5. Instead of buying her heart-shaped chocolates, cook her steak, eggs and chips.

6. Instead of taking her out to dinner and a movie, rent a bunch of cheesy b-grade horror films and pop a giant tub of popcorn.

7. Instead of serenading her at her window, let her choose the songs in the car stereo.

8. Instead of scattering rose petals around the house, paint the walls with inverted crosses and pentegrams.

9. Instead of ringing the local radio station to dedicate a cheesy ballad to her, dedicate a song to her at your next gig. Bonus points if it’s Manowar’s “Pleasure Slave”.

10. Instead of a romantic picnic beside a babbling steam, go see a Deicide concert. 

Do you have any more ideas for metal alternatives to valentines traditions?

Steff