Dear Steff Metal

My best friend is getting married in five months, and I’m so so happy for her. The wedding is going to be totally awesome, too: a heavy metal music “festival” held at a community hall. She’s got bands playing, festival-style food, and some awesome games and costumes.

The problem is: she’s turned into a crazy person. Every time I talk to her about anything, she changes the topic back to the wedding. She asked me to be maid of honour, which is awesome, but now she seems to think it’s my responsibility to help her with wedding things … every weekend.

I’ve gone with her to see every vendor, every band performance, every corset fitting. I’ve picked up the decorations, designed and printed out the invitations, made the wedding website, and ordered the fake tattoo and guitar pick favors. I’ve cut my hair into a specific style to match the other three bridesmaids. I’ve tasted more wedding cakes than I ever wanted to, ever.

My boyfriend and other friends complain they never see me, as all my spare time is taken up with wedding things. I feel overworked, tired and irritated.

Now she wants me to miss another close friend’s birthday lunchto help her with her dress fitting. She’s implying I’m a bad friend if I don’t go. I’m getting ready to tell her where to shove it. I thought heavy metal brides were supposed to be laid-back and cool? What do I do?

***

Ah, the woes of being the unofficial wedding slave. I can’t say I’ve ever been in your position (all my married friends were wonderful, gracious brides) and I really hope I didn’t make anyone feel like this during my wedding planning. But I’ve had several friends and acquaintences put in this position, so I might be able to offer a few words of advice.

I’ve written about being a gracious bride over on Wedding Skulls, but I haven’t addressed the issue from the other side yet.

First, lets talk about what turns people into Bridezillas. The assumption is all bridezillas are self-absorbed princesses who want THEIR special day to be PERFECT, or else. But that’s not the only reason normally sane women turn into bridezillas. Read the scenarios below. Do any of them remind you of your friend?

• If a woman struggles with insecurity, she might feel as though her wedding is her last chance to prove to her husband that she is a wonderful, organised, beautiful, creative person before he marries her and discovers she’s a wonderful, beautiful, creative person who isn’t perfect.
• Even if the bride has a relaxed, come-what-may attitude towards her wedding, that doesn’t mean every other person involved in the wedding shares her vision. Your friend may be dealing with difficult relatives, unkind friends, or she may feel as if her fiance isn’t doing his share. She channels these feelings into her wedding planning, resulting in a less-than-enjoyable experience for all involved.
• You friend may have other stresses in her life – work, financial debts and responsibilities, family arguments, loved ones dying or becoming sick, emotional stresses, relationship woes – and she’s dealing with this stress by throwing all her energy at the one thing she can control and do for herself.
• Certain types of people get so excited about a thing – an event, an activity, an object – they get tunnel vision. Their entire focus is “achieving that thing”, and nothing and no one can stand in their way. Both CDH and I share this trait, and it makes us incredibly driven, determined achievers. Sometimes, it mades us difficult people to deal with. Right now, CDH’s mind is so focused on how much he loved Germany and wants to return there, he can talk of little else. And to some people, his enthusiasm and his determination come off as offensive and rude.

How you deal with this situation depends on your friend’s specific situation. You’ve obviously decided the friendship is worth trying to save, otherwise you wouldn’t have written to me.

Sometimes, the only thing you can do is wait it out. After the wedding, she will probably revert to her normal, less-crazy self. However, if you want to be proactive, I have a few ideas.

I believe a maid of honour should be a friend first, and a helper second. So be her friend. Invite you friend out to a “relaxing, de-stress lunch”. Say “I know how much work is going into this wedding, so I thought you might like a lunch out where you don’t think about wedding things.”

And don’t talk about wedding things. At all. But talk. Talk like you used to – talk about the funny things your boyfriends say, the strange you met on the bus, your latest forey into indian cooking. Talk about the work stress, the mother-in-law that wants everything her way, the fear about committing to the same man, forever. Don’t be distracted by table linens and ring designs – really talk.

Talking is some of the best therapy. Nothing – not matching napkins nor concert-ticket invites – can replace the kind works and trained ear of a good friend. Be that good friend.

You don’t have to get accusatory, you just have to say “I can’t come to the dress fitting next weekend, because my friend’s having her birthday lunch. I haven’t seen her in so many months because I’ve been so busy helping you with wedding stuff, and she misses me terribly and it’s really important to her that I’m there. But I bet Carrie (name of other bridesmaid/sister/friend) would love to go. You guys could even go out for lunch together.”

You’re not making her feel bad about herself. You not making her resent you. You’re diffusing the situation the way a friend should – with kindness and love.

Try this technique whenever she calls you up to help with wedding things. If you’re busy, offer a kind explanation, and suggest a solution – another person to accompany her, a change of schedule, another idea. If you’re not busy, try saying. “Okey, but only if we make it into a crazy fun day.”

Listen to your favorite music while you wrap favors. Wear outrageous clothes when you go to meet the DJ. Talk in a fake british accent when you meet with the cake lady. Make wedding planning time for laughter and frivolty – something she might not be having in any other part of her life. I bet these are the vision of wedding-planning your friend had in her head all along.

These are not easy solutions, but we can’t choose the easy path when it comes to friends. It’s easy to walk away, to deride her as “crazy”, to pull away, to snap and bitch at her unreasonable behaviour. You could do all these things, or you could take the path of unbearable kindness. Because when everything is laid bare, her demands for help with invites and websites and bands might be her way of crying “I need you”. And when a friend needs you, you should be there.

Your friendship will make her wedding the fairytale kick-ass rock festival she’s dreamt of. She will remember what you’ve done, and when you need her she’ll be there with open arms and all the chocolate you could ever need.