Also, if you are the amazing girl studying french at university and wanting to get into translation, I was replying to your email and accidentally hit “Purge” instead. Now your email is gone forever and I am sad. Please write to me again!

I have a lot of new readers in the last week, so I figured it’s time to properly introduce myself and the blog, and explain why I bothered devoting an entire blog to the heavy metal lifestyle.

Heavy Metal Satan Fingers

I’m Steff – I’m a 25 year old metalhead writer living in New Zealand. I’m married to a Cantankerous Drummer Husband (CDH for short). I update Steff Metal 5-6 days a week with posts about how to live a heavy metal life.

So why would you want to live a heavy metal life?

Easy: the heavy metal life is simple, all-inclusive, and way more fun.

You can live the heavy metal life even if you’re not a metalhead, although a deep love of heavy metal certainly helps. Being a metalhead is a state-of-mind, and has less to do with the clothes you wear and the music you like and more to do with the values you embrace:

1. Metalheads do not apologise for their beliefs.
2. Metalheads care not for your race, creed, religion, political affiliation, or societal status.
3. Metalheads look out for their metal brothers and sisters.
4. Metalheads admire people who think for themselves.
5. Metalheads believe as long as there is metal, life is worth living.
6. Metalheads use words and music to express themselves. They believe feelings – even ugly ones – should be released.
7. Metalheads don’t ask much of the world – good food, good drink, good friends and good music.
8. Metalheads detest being told they’re wrong, because everyone has their own personal truth.
9. Above all else, Metalheads crave freedom.
10. Metalheads exemplify the power of music to unite and to heal.

See? Those are values anyone can relate to.

If you’re new to this blog, you should check out some of my previous articles. Here are some of my favorites:

1. Metal Mixtape: Pirate Metal, Ahoy!
2. Why Metalheads Wear Black
3. Ask A Bogan: I’m Just a Teenaged Metalhead, Baby
4. 42 Ways to Krieg up your Life
5. Fashion for Metalheads: Black Metal Fashion
6. Apocalypse Ladies: Fashion for the End of the World
7. Top Ten Metal First Date Ideas
8. Fashion for Metalheads: Power Metal Fashion
9. 25 Things a Metalhead is Thankful For
10. Top Ten Reasons Metalheads Make Good Writers

You can read more in the Steff Metal Archives, and to be sure you don’t miss any updates, you can subscribe to my RSS, follow me on Twitter or become a fan on Facebook.

Keep it Grymm \m/
Steff

If you want to get involved in the metal “community” above and beyond simply appreciating the music, I’d recommend the following: 

1. Get involved with a metal zine. You don’t have to start one - at least not right now - but you could contribute a couple of articles / reviews and help with the stapling. Zines have been the humble backers of the underground scene for over 30 years, and no one wants to see the art of metal “zining” die out.

Cover of "Paddy Metal", an irish black metal zine. You can find them online at www.paddymetal.com

If you don’t know about zines in your area, check with your local record store – they often have a table for flyers and zines, and you can pick up copies of the underground metal publications in your area. Email the editors and politely express interest in becoming a contributor.

You will quickly discover zine writing involves a ton of work for very little reward. You may, however, also discover a hitherto underdeveloped talent for review writing, or you’ll learn about contacting PR companies for interviews, or compiling the local gig guide. You’ll learn some new skills, discover tons of new metal bands, meet some truly dedicated metalheads, and become a legitimate, respected member of the “scene”.

2. Save up your money and make the pilgrimage to Europe for the festival circuit. Take it from someone who knows: it will change your life. Go to Wacken Open Air, because it’s amazing, but look into other festivals too – it’s not hard to attend three festivals in a month and see all of your favourite bands.

Doing the Festival circuit serves two purposes: not only will you have an amazing time and see some awesome bands, but you’ll also meet metalheads from all over the world and have a glimpse into their lives. Nothing says “I’m committed to metal” like plonking down your life savings to go to Germany.

3. If you’re not likely to come into significant money any time soon, a cheaper way of meeting metalheads around the world is involving yourself with music discussion on metal forums. Either fan forums (like the House of Death, which forbids discussion on metal bands that aren’t Manowar), or more generalised metal forums like Metal Archives.

I spent a good part of my university life debating the finer points of genre classification with a couple of geeky Austrians on Metal Archives, and I tell you – nothing teaches you more about metal than having to defend your opinions to a bunch of people who’ve been listening to metal for 30 years.

Warning: be prepared to be told you know nothing about metal, at least twice a day, by people who know equally nothing about metal. You can’t take forum discussion too seriously, because people can get mean. Don’t take it to heart: they’re only mean because they’re stuck at home debating genre classifications in their pyjamas, instead of out at the Deicide show with seven hot metal chicks.

4. Support local bands. Many people will fork over $100 to see the big international tours, but baulk at shelling out a tenner to see three local acts play at the metal bar. Why is this? Do we think they’re going to be crap?

Well, yes, some of them will be, but you’re missing out on some real gems. The other week I went to see a friends cover band play, and the opening band – Hackmessah – blew every local act I’ve seen out of the water. For young guys, they’d written incredibly complex set of layered, technical songs, with a truly unique style (groove techno avant garde death metal … I don’t know!) and – get this – they made their own guitars. This kind of brilliance is going on in your own town, right now, so get out there and support it. After all, even your favourite international bands started at the local pub.

5. Offer to help out whenever the opportunity presents itself. I love going behind the scenes and finding out how things work, and I’ve found the real dedicated metalheads are the promoters and club owners and musicians and artists and organisers who work tirelessly to promote the scene for very little pay or recognition.

In May, I am running merchandise tables for the Auckland portion of a tour put on the NZ Metal Army. I used to manage a band, too (I wasn’t very good at it, but hey, you never know till you try!)

If you’re a talented artist / designer, offer to create band logos or gig posters. If you can mix, offer to do the sound desk or DJ between sets. When you see the drummer struggling down the stairs of the club with two bass drums, offer to take his cymbal bags out to his car for him.

6. Remember subculture fashion is just that – fashion for the subculture. It’s the clothing you wear to gigs and festivals, when having drinks with your mates or attending a metal party. It’s the clothing you wear to band practise and on stage. It’s not necessarily the clothing you wear on the street, or to work, or to dinner with your parents, or the first date with a hot girl or guy.

7. Write letters / emails to your favourite musicians and let them know what their music means to you. I call this “making a musician’s day”. Also, find all your favourite bands on Twitter and Facebook and keep up with their news and interact with them on that personal level.

8. Learn an instrument. You appreciate metal on a whole new level when you learn how bloody hard it is to play. I am hopeless, but I play the tin whistle. I have attempted (badly) to learn the guitar, bass and keyboard. 

9. Have other interests outside metal. Well-rounded, interesting people make friends easily, because they have several possible points-of-interest to share with others. If you only like one thing – metal – what are you going to talk about when you get bored of talking about metal?

10. Start a Blog. I did this, and it’s been awesome, and now I get to meet metalheads from all over the world, right here in my office. Even if your readership consists of two geeky Austrians and your mum, . Heck, at least it’s less effort than a zine.

I turn the floor over to you, my readers. Do you have any other ideas for immersing yourself in the metal “scene”, without seeming like you’re trying to be “uber metal”?

Tell us what you do over and above listening to music? Do you write for a blog or zine, play in a band, or help out at gigs? 

Gigantic Cookies and Geeky Austrians
Steff

1. Positively Bleak by E. Bleak

Emily Bleak is a self-proclaimed proud pretentious metalhead, obsessive horror junkie and hobbyist blasphemer, among other titles. Her blog focuses on heavy metal lifestyle topics, like Getting the GWAR Off and On Dressing for the Frozen Wastelands. Also, she’s awesome. 

2. Reign in Blonde by Julia and Elise

Winners of the unofficial “most kickass blog name of all time” competition. Reign in Blonde is written by two tall, blonde chicks who bring the metal. They went to an Ashlee Simpson show together and yelled “Slayeeerrr!” over the heads of a bunch of nine year olds – they’re those kind of girls. They write awesome content and think Gabe Garcia is hot, which makes them alright by me.

3. Baroque, Bleak, Brutal by Eric

An epic name for an epic blog. Baroque Bleak Brutal seeks to explore and pay homage to all of the complexity, barrenness, and savagery of metal. I don’t usually read album reviews, because I find them quite boring and subjective, but I read theirs. Check out their As the Palaces Burned features.

4. Metalographer by Danielle

Part of the essence of being metal is taking pictures of quote “epic shit” unquote. A recent discovery, Danielle photographs scenes, objects, spaces, places, animals and people she considers aptly “metal”. She’s bloody grymm. And she’s obsessed with Alice in Wonderland …

5. NO CLEAN SINGING by Islander, Alexis and IntoTheDarkness

No Clean Singing exists on the premise that 1) all popular music sucks, 2) metal doesn’t suck, unless it’s metal with clean singing, in which case it probably does suck, 3) Some metal with clean singing doesn’t suck, but that’s an exception to the rule and 4) Some metal with no clean singing also sucks, but that’s also an exception to the rule. They then proceed to do a steller job of backing up these statements with writing and plenty of pictures of long-haired dudes staring contemptuously at the camera.

I have discovered SO MANY epic new bands through them. These guys deserve major horns for supporting Steff Metal, but aside from that, they’re a great source of really in-depth metal discussion and growly grymness.

6. Rakk and Ruin by Rakk and Ruin

A blog of grymm and epic fashion pictures. Everything is way too expensive and designer for me, but it’s an excellent source of inspiration. You can also get some epic (and incredibly budget-conscious) jewelry at the Rakk and Ruin shop.

7. Metal From Finland by Tero and others

Most of my favorite metal at the moment comes from Finland, so I love a blog that keeps my up-to-date on the Finnish metal happenings, and that’s exactly what MFF does. You will see regular HIM updates, which are irksome, but trust me – most of their content is grand. And they have Perkele t-shirts!

8. The Palpable Obscure by Ana

I’ve been reading Ana’s blog for ages, centuries even, back when it was called Kvlt Fashion. She was the first blogger to ever inspire me to post daily outfit photos. A tall leggy blonde with impeccable style and a love of Wolves of the Throne Room, Ana’s always posting inspirational fashion shoots from around the globe.

9. Metal as Fuck by Leticia and various contributors

Called by some “the world’s most obliterating metal zine” metal as fuck is the moonchild of Leticia Supple, and includes some great pieces from Kay of Enter the Goatlady. They employ contributors from all over the world, for real global coverage of everything – and I do mean everything – metal. It is one of the BEST metal zines in the world, period. The quality of the writing blows most magazines out of the water. Read their interviews. Right Now.  

10. Cosmic Hearse by Aesop

Ever since I started reading Cosmic Hearse, I’ve been drowning in underground metal and Japanese crazy. Not a day goes by CDH doesn’t walk past my office, stop, turn around and cry “what the fuck are you listening to?” For that reason alone, you should check out this blog. Cosmic Hearse shares hard-to-find and special recordings from various metal and underground projects. The recordings span the genres – it’s not all tr00 kvlt kreig grymm nekro eeevil black metal here. Aesop places each album contextually within metal and underground music as a whole – sometimes they are rare EPs from popular bands, sometimes scratchy recordings of barely musical noise. And Cosmic Hearse takes nothing away from the artist – all these tracks are legitimately found.

and secret number 11.

Steff Metal by Steff (that’s me!)

Why should you read it? Well, you tell me :)

What are you reading this year?

Horns up! \m/
Steff

It seems horribly clich’ed, but I’m not a Valentine’s Day fan. It seems like such a fake, commercial “holiday”. There’s no real “holiday” aspect to it. You don’t relax on the beach, or curl up on the couch with a good book, or hang out with friends. You buy some tacky teddy bear with a heart balloon and hope you’re gonna get laid.

The origins of Valentines Day are lost in the ages. No one even knows if it’s related to Valentine. It’s likely our modern traditions derive from the Roman fertility festival of Lupercalia. When the Romans were Christianised, they transformed all their pagan holidays into church-sanctioned parties. In 496 AD the Pope declared Lupercalia the feast of St. Valentine, who had performed secret marriage services during their reign of Claudius II and was executed for this <>. Claudius ruled during a great period of strife and believed marriage made his soldiers weak.

In medieval France and England (thanks Chaucer) St. Valentines Day came to be associated with romance. The church tried to bring the holiday back to sacred pursuits, but it’s popularity as a day for courtship and romance grew. In the Middle Ages, handmade cards and gifts were exchanged between lovers, and this practise moved with the expansion of the empire until it reached the Americas, where the first commercial Valentines cards were printed in the 1840s.

I think, as always, the church takes these things far too seriously, and Valentines Day, if you choose to celebrate it, should be a day of fun and frivolity. But there’s so much pressure now: “how many Valentines did you get?” “What did YOUR husband do?”, “Don’t worry, I’m sure SOMEONE will give you a Valentine” that Valentines Day just isn’t any fun. And more and more people boycott this holiday, including us.

CDH said once “I’m not participating in a gift grab designed to make insecure women feel special. My job is to make you feel special every day of the year.” And it’s true, and I agree with him, and he does.

I tried to find a picture of a metal valentine, but these guys kept coming up instead. Aren't they ... well sculpted?

But not everyone agrees with me and I don’t see the harm in a retail-mandated excuse to indulge your beloved. As a lady easily swayed by romantic notions (although my idea of romance differs considerably from that of the “average” female) I offer some tips to my male readers on romantic gestures for your metalhead missus, for Valentines Day, or any day.

1. Instead of buying her sexy lingerie, find her a limited-edition Pestilence vinyl.

2. Instead of saying “I love you,” throw her the goat. (bonus points if it’s a real goat).

3. Forgo sappy flowers. She’d much prefer a deadly nightshade plant.

4. Instead of a heart-shaped necklace, present her with a Thor’s Hammer on a leather thong.

5. Instead of buying her heart-shaped chocolates, cook her steak, eggs and chips.

6. Instead of taking her out to dinner and a movie, rent a bunch of cheesy b-grade horror films and pop a giant tub of popcorn.

7. Instead of serenading her at her window, let her choose the songs in the car stereo.

8. Instead of scattering rose petals around the house, paint the walls with inverted crosses and pentegrams.

9. Instead of ringing the local radio station to dedicate a cheesy ballad to her, dedicate a song to her at your next gig. Bonus points if it’s Manowar’s “Pleasure Slave”.

10. Instead of a romantic picnic beside a babbling steam, go see a Deicide concert. 

Do you have any more ideas for metal alternatives to valentines traditions?

Steff

In many ways, creating goals and aims in the new year is a bit arbitrary: you can create a goal at any time, and there are better times to start formulating new plans than during the holiday period when you’re most likely drunk.

But that new year, new start mentality really gets under our skin. I know I really feel like no is the time to look back on what went well from the year gone by and look forward to the next year with a sense of how I want to shape it to my will.

2009 has kicked ass. I hesitate to say this, but I think it was actually the best year of my life, so far. We survived our first year of marriage more in wuv than ever (awwwww), we travelled to 18 countries, attended Wacken Open Air, saw some of our favorite bands perform. I managed to get not one, but two major publishers interested in my work. I started both my websites, and CDH finished building his drumkit. We moved into this amazing house, and we decided together on the kind of future we want.

So this year I have several goals: some big, some small. Some will be fun, some will be a buttload of hard-work.

1. Learn German

Part of our dream involves going back to Germany to live, at least for a few years, probably forever. We’ve absolutely fallen head-over-heels in love with the place. But in order to live there, we need to learn zee Deutsch, and learn it well. There’s a community class starting in Feb, so CDH and I will be signing up.

2. Be in a Modelling Shoot

I must confess a little secret: I’ve always wondered what it would be like to model. People say it’s very boring, but it looks like so much fun. I mean, you get to dress up in awesome clothes you could never wear anywhere else, someone fusses over your hair and makeup and you emerge, stunning, at a fantasy location to have a professional take some kick ass photos of you. Gee, that sounds like fun to me. Luckily, a friend has asked me to be part of an elvish shoot for her makeup business in January, so I shall let you know how that goes.

3. Learn the Tin Whistle good enough to be in a Band

I love this instrument, more than I’ve ever loved playing anything before. And after listening to Svartsot, I see what I want to do – play Tin Whistle in a melodic death metal band. But before I can play the whistle in a melodic death metal band, I must be able to play this whistle. Cue many hours of practise.

4. Travel somewhere I’ve never been

I’d like to see a different area of New Zealand – somewhere I haven’t been before. Even if I hate it, I need to go and experience it.

5. Get a Publishing Contract

I’m so close, but I need to concentrate and write and edit and send away and the magic will happen. I just have to put the work in.

6. Launch Steff Metal products

I have some kreig designs in the works, and a few surprises, but it’s taking more work than I expected to get things ready for sale. But I shall prevail. It is 2010, after all.

7. Learn the fine art of preserving

I’m taking a class in the first half of the year, but I have to continue the practise at home. I want to give my family and friends homemade preserves for Christmas this year.

8. Brew a batch of homemade alcohol.

I just think this sounds like fun. I want to make elderberry cider, but this first requires sourcing some elderberries.

9. Concentrate on preparing financially to leave NZ

This means staying clear of debt, and putting untouchable money away to prepare for whatever it is we decide to do. This also means kicking CDH’s money habits into shape, a nigh-impossible task.

10. Become a more considerate, caring person.

Sometimes I feel like I am concentrating so hard on doing all the things I love, that I’m neglecting those people I love most, the people who make my life so wonderful. So, family and friends, 2010 is the year I intend to pay forward the kindnesses that you’ve awarded me. 2010 is the year I try to become the friend you deserve.

11. Stay Metal

Listen to more music, write more reviews, interview more bands, and generally embrace the subculture I love. Because I’ve chosen this life: heavy metal, or not metal at all (Wimps and Posers, leave the hall).

What of you, dear readers? What say you to the new year and new challenges and goals and crises to come? How did you go on your old-years resolutions? I just finished my last one today, as I’ve planted the start of my garden!

See You in 2010
Steff Metal

Why do my presents never look so neat and tidy?

But sometimes, I forget people. Sometimes, those people are quite important, and for whatever reason – usually what my husband calls a Brain Fart – they just totally illude my radar. Sometimes, like this year, CDH and I go overseas to Europe and the Middle East and do all our Christmas Shopping over there, and because we’re on holiday everything seems really awesome and expensive. And then we get home and realise some of our gifts aren’t going to cut it. We need “Gift padders”.

And here I am, with a week before Christmas and a couple of forgotten people and a few gift-padders, and NO money. NONE. Therefore, I am thinking industriously, and if you’re a little crafty or creative or fun, you might benefit from some of these ideas too.

Top Ten Last-Minute Homemade Heavy Metal Christmas Gifts

1. Homebaked goodies never, EVER go amiss. biscuits, chocolates, preserves, breads, cakes … it will be gobbled up with abandon. You can probably find the ingredients for a basic chocolate chip biscuit – flour, white sugar, brown sugar, butter, eggs, vanilla, baking powder, chocolate chips – in your pantry, all ready to turn into something delicious for your loved ones. Wrap up in cellophane with a nice bow.
2. If your culinary skills extend to writing gross autopsy lyrics for your gore metal band, why not write a funny Christmas song and get some musician friends to help you record it, than distribute it to all your friends and family. Make a humorous CD sleeve to go with it.
3. Create a homemade card. I always make cards like little comic strips, with something funny that’s happened throughout the year.
4. If you’re known as the culinary genius among your ilk, write out a short cookbook of your favorite recipes, tips and tricks. Fill it with pictures of previous parties, and you making silly faces while you make vol-u-vants in your Slayer t-shirt.
5. Create a memory scrapbook for the year. Memories mean more to people than more store-brought Junk
6. CDH and I get these huge collage posters printed up for our friends, with a selection of 50 photos from all throughout the year, and they hang them on the wall. You can get these for quite cheap from Snapfish, and they deliver super-quick.
7. Paint or draw a picture and have it framed
8. Write a short story (or a novel if you’re a fast writer) about a crazy adventure, starring the intended gift recipient. I’ve done this on three seperate occasions and – barring one for my ex I mentioned in the Heavy Metal Christmas post, they’ve been incredibly well-recieved. One, called ‘Rock Star: Mayhem” and starring every single one of my friend, was a 40k novel. We had two “Dramatic Readings” where my friends all got together and I read out the magnum opus in a dramatic voice and friends cheered when their names came up. You can’t buy that kind of awesome.
9. Give Vouchers. I don’t mean “$25 at Glassons” kind of vouchers, I mean “Good for Seven Free Hugs from Steff” and “1 hour of listening to you whine about your latest boyfriend issues without rolling my eyes ONCE” vouchers.
10. If your a gardener, give seedlings to others so they can discover the joy of watching a plant grow too. I would give fruit and vegetable plants, like strawberries, tomato or gourgette, so they can nibble away at the fruits of their labour!

Readers, what are you doing for last-minute Christmas Gifts?

I’m off to bake some (grymm and frostbitten, of course) biscuits!
Steff Metal

If you want to throw a kick-ass party, and don’t have any ideas, you could try one of these. Some of these I’ve hosted, some I’ve been a guest at, and some I hope to attend in the future.

1. I love metal movie marathons – I once attended a Manowar party with about 80 people all crammed into this tiny, tiny house watching every Manowar DVD. We had a BBQ going, beer flowing freely, and a head-banging lesson. Epic night. Epic.

2. Metallica Guitar Hero Championship! Followed – of course – by an epic round of Death Metal Singstar (perform singstar songs in your best death metal vocals – lets see who gets uber points now! Mwahahaha)

3. For a friend’s birthday, why not throw a little-kids party, complete with cupcakes, fairy bread, sausage rolls, pass the parcel, pin the tail on the donkey (or my sadistic version – pin the Lollipop on the Inappropriate Stranger) and a round or two of Drunken Metal Twister (It’s pretty simple – drunk metallers playing twister with Slayer blaring in the background).

4. If you know someone who lives near the country, go out camping on a farm. Play Sardines and Spotlight when it gets dark, then sit around a bonfire grilling sausages and telling ghost stories.

I once attended a campout party where the bonfire was the size of a house. I’m not exaggerating. A two-storeyed, four bedroom house with an adjoining garage and two bathrooms. And a sleepout. We doused it with petrol and shot fireworks at it till it exploded with the loudest BOOM I’ve ever heard. A huge nushroom cloud barrelled into the sky, and this intense wave of heat engulfed us, even from fifty metres back. Someone called the police. Now THAT’s metal.

5. Have memorial parties for your favorite metalhead ghosts. We like to have Norwegian black metal parties in memory of Euronymous. I make inverted cross pizza (recipe coming soon), the girls paint everyone with corpse-paint, and we pose in the forest and howl at the moon.

I’m only half kidding :)

6. Host a picnic in a cemetery or other spooky, abandoned place. Bring fine china, fancy teas and elaborate food. Dress up in your metal best and take photos around the gravestones.

7. Drinking games involving potatoes win every time.

8. If you’re too poor to make it to Wacken, throw your own metal festival in your backyard. Get a mate’s band to play, drink beer from plastic cups, make a water slide out of a tarp, set up a tent, stay up all night and get really sunburned.

I'm giving my short-haired friend a headbanging lesson

9. Have a Make-Your-Own-Pizza and Decorate-Your-Own-Cupcake party, with a prize for the most kreig design.

10. Everyone must go to the liquer store and buy one bottle of something totally random. Return to the party house. Mix mystery coctails. Repeat until everyone falls over.

What about you guys? Have you been to any epic metal parties I’ve missed lately? Tell me about the best (and worst) parties you’ve attended.

Super Snuggles and Shoggoth Kisses
Steff

The older (gulp) I get, the more I’m into celebrating this macabre holiday. I’m helped, of course, by the fact that my wedding anniversary is on this same day. At 24, I’m the perfect age to fully appreciate the awesome that is Halloween: dressing in zany costumes, hosting cocktail parties, going to Halloween gigs, listening to Cannibal Corpse, making skull cookies, and gorging on chocolate with CDH.

Steff Metal and friends on ZombieWalk. I'm dressed as Dead \m/

Here are 10 zombie-tastic ways to put a little heavy metal into your Halloween this year:

1. Invite your friends over to a party where the theme is “wear something you NEVER get a chance to wear”. Hilarity ensues – wedding dresses, bad 80s leftovers, too-short cocktail outfits, recycled Halloween costumes. Your friends won’t disappoint. 
2. Make the most gigantic ice-cream sundae ever. Cover it with cream and sprinkles and nuts and lollies and chocolate. Give it a horrifying name (Dr Steff Metal’s Artery ClogMonster). Devour.
    
3. Buy a cheap canvas and paints and doodle a scene from your favorite horror book or movie. It doesn’t matter if you can’t draw – the wobblier everything is, the spookier it looks! Hang on your wall as a piece of modern art. In the bottom right-hand corner, add a price tag for several thousand dollars. You never know who may be in the market for a splodgy rendition of “Murders in the Rue Morgue”.
    
4. Participate in your local ZombieWalk. A ZombieWalk is a group of people who get together in various cities around the world, dress up as zombies and walk a pre-determined path at an apropriate shuffle. It’s great fun and yet another excuse to pull out a costume.

   Last year, I went as Dead from Mayhem – with a bullethole in my forehead, and gore dripping down my shirt, which read “I HEART TRANSYLVANIA”. On the back I’d pinned a suicide note that read “Excuse all the blood”. I was joined by friends dressed as Shaun (from Shaun of the Dead), Dimebag Darryl, zombie pirates, and generic one-hit-die zombies.
    

5. Make a Halloween playlist and listen to it all week. Make sure lots of Cannibal Corpse makes the cut.
    
6. Leave spooky voicemail messages on your friend’s cellphones.
    
7. Bake biscuits or cupcakes shaped like ghosts or pumpkins. Surprise your lover or best friend at their workplace with a tray of Halloween goodies.
    
8. Get your friends together and rent a boat for a couple of hours. Dress up like Vikings and listen to Amon Amarth while you row / sail / motor around the harbour. Have a BBQ lunch (lots of red meat) and drink mead and talk shit.
    
9. Buy some orange/black stripy socks. Wear them everywhere.
    
10. Buy yourself something spooky from Etsy.com and make a crafter’s Halloween. Try Northwic, Spooky Hollow, Dark Carnival and Creepy Crafts for spooky treats. Also, while you’re wandering around Etsy, you could enter the Wedding Skulls Halloween Competition to win a copy of the Halloween Wedding Planner.

What about you, readers? Who’s doing something different and random for Halloween 2009?

Super Snuggles and Shoggoth Kisses
Steff

I’ve brought a few embarrassing albums in my time – Spice Girls, Ricky Martin (I know, I can’t believe it either), and that cute Irish girl band, B*Witched. While we do occasionally drag them out for dancing at random parties, I don’t actually listen to them anymore.

But the songs / bands on this list … I still love them. I know. I’m terrible. Please don’t hurt me.

1. The Rasmus. Hot, hot, HOT Finnish beauty Lauri. SIGH. Rasmus love. I will NEVER apologise for loving these guys. CDH hates it when I tell him he looks like Lauri.

HOTTEST guy EVER.

2. Avril Lavigne. I love her voice. Her new album – The Best Damn Thing – is pretty crap, though. But as far as attitude-girl-pop goes, it ain’t half bad.


Boy howdy, Avril sure grew up!

3. AFI. I don’t like all of their stuff, but Sing the Sorrow and December Underground are brilliant albums. Their lead singer is butt ugly, but boy can he work it.

4. Incubus. They’ve got this whole Sunday afternoon smooth-as-mustard style.

5. Suzi Quatro. She’s totally rockin’.

6. CDH insists Nick Cave should be on this list. I disagree. Nick Cave is cool. Perhaps my all-consuming obsession with him isn’t, though.

7. The Black Eyed Peas. I can’t explain why “My Humps” makes me want to dance SO MUCH.

8. Shonen Knife. They’re this crazy Japanese all-girl pop band. I’ve been listening to them since the early 90s. They sing about ice-creams and wind-up toys and going for a picnic.



9. Mago de Oz. I do not understand why eveyone hates them. Tin whistle in a metal band? What’s not to love?

10. Manowar. They make me feel all warm and giggly inside.

Who couldn't love these guys?

What are YOUR Embarrassing music loves? C’mon, don’t let me be the only one admitting these horrible, HORRIBLE beasts still get regular air-time in my shitty 90s stereo.

Super Snuggles and Shoggoth Kisses
Steff

Opeth - the perfect first date music

CDH and I never had a real “first date”. New Zealanders don’t really ‘do’ dating – we meet people through our friends, or random strangers at bars, we make shy glances at each other for awhile, we hang out as part of a group, develop a crush on said person, get drunk, hook up, and then have an awkward conversation about whether we want to make it a regular occurance.

If I had to define our first “date”, I would have to talk about two occasions. Our first “date” type occasion was before we were officially a couple: I was at home sewing a costume and enjoying an evening in when a friend txt me “We’re at shadows, heading up to Trial by Fire gig … with CDH.” Eeeeep! I couldn’t miss this! I threw on a Judas Priest shirt and some vinyl leggings (eep) and bussed into town.

The night did not dissapoint. Trial by Fire played a great set, and CDH and I headbanged side by side for nearly two hours. For their encore they played ‘The Trooper’ and the whole place went crazy. CDH grabbed me and the dude next to me and everyone in the front linked arms and headbanged across the stage. Heaven. I came home with a huge smile on my face and my heart fluttering.

My second “first date” memory was a few weeks after CDH and I started going out – and I’d talked him into going to see Opeth with me. He’d never heard them before, but he got swept along in my enthusiam and thought “what the hell.” Plus, I shouted him his ticket. He took me out for ice cream before the concert, then we met a bunch of my friends and shoved our way to the front of the pit.

I’ve read dating guides who say taking someone to a concert as a date is a HUGE no-no, but I vehermently disagree. Opeth were amazing – Mikael plays complex time-signatures while singing two different vocal styles AND looking hot at the same time. They were humble, brilliant, and hilarious. I felt like I’d been lifted to another world. Everytime I opened my eyes, there was CDH, banging his head, the same knowing glint in his eye. He got it.

That’s why I married him. Love at first headbang.

If you’re admiring that Iron Maiden t-shirt-clad hottie across the bar and you’re debating asking them on a date, think a little about where you go and what you do. You’re totally heavy metal, so even if it doesn’t work out, you want to be remembered as the person who rocked their world. Dinner and a movie ain’t gonna cut it. I’ve got ten ideas for killer first dates, Steff Metal style.

1. Open up your local gig guide, close your eyes, and point your finger. Wherever it lands – that’s where you’re going. I don’t care if it lands on the local hip hop bar – at least you’ll be the best-dressed person there!Dress up in your best metal gear, laugh all night at the terrible music and give each other silly dares, like chat up the bartender, enter the breakdance competition and write ‘Eminem is da Rulez’ on your forehead.

2. Visit the local museum – especially if they have any exhibits on Vikings, war or ancient history. Pack a picnic lunch and eat it on the museum steps. Afterwards, feed your leftover sandwiches to the birds. Birds are kreig.

3. If your potential beloved is not into metal (I know, horror of horrors, but it happens), take them to a Deicide concert. If they’re not afraid of you by the end of the night, they’re a keeper.4. Take all your instruments down to the park and have an impromptu accoustic jam. CDH and I did this once with my keyboard and whistle, and his flute, bass guitar and a couple of drums. We had so much fun and so many people gathered around to listen.

5. Go to the beach in a storm and take kreig photos posing on the rocks. Write each other’s names in runes in the sand.

6. Bake a birthday cake on Dimebag Darryl’s birthday and eat it in bed together while watching Pantera DVDs.

7. Invite them over to help you alphabetize your CD collection. If you’re a metalhead, you have more CDs than Hitler has enemies, so this is an all day activity. Kick your flatmates out and make steak sandwiches and drink mead and talk about music and life. Afterwards, verse each other at Guitar Hero – the loser has to run out for more beer.

8. Build a couch fort – nuff said

9. Dress up in your best 80s hair metal gear and hit the karaoke bar. Drink lots of rum and coke, and choose the most “metal” songs on the list to sing together. Do your best David Bowie and Axl Rose. To finish off the night, death growl to Britney Spears. Laugh together at your genius.

10. Take your camera and explore spooky places – cemeteries, old mills, asylums, parks. Take lots of ‘kreig’ photographs. You could even take a video camera and make a movie to show your friends. Afterwards, eat pizza, play ‘truth or dare’ and go splash in a fountain.

As usual, I’m passing this top ten list over to my kvltest readers. Do you guys have any other awesome ideas for kreig metal first dates? Have you been on an amazing date? A lousy date? Share with us!

Super Snuggles and Shoggoth Kisses
Steff