For the last six months I’ve been dating the sweetest, funniest girl. Everything’s perfect, except … she’s not into metal. She likes indie shit music.

I’ve never dated a “metal chick” before, and this has never been a problem for me. Except now I really like this girl. Recently, a lot of bands have been visiting my city, and I’ve  spent tons of money on shows and tickets and t-shirts, and we stopped doing stuff as much as we used to, because I’ve been busy and broke and it’s pissing her off.

I feel sad when I see other dudes with their girlfriends headbanging away at shows. Metal is a huge part of my life, and I would love to share it with her, but she just doesn’t “get it”. So my question is, metalheads and non-metalheads, does it work?

***

In my experience, no.

I dated two non-metalheads. The first was in high=school, and I introduced him to Metallica and he fell in love and, while he likes a lot of “indie shit” he’s a guitarist, so had a real appreciation for metal. So that was OK, but it was high school so it all fell apart in a majorly bad way.

The second I went out with for three years – he was a musician too, and when I met him he was wearing a Metallica shirt and had long hair. I thought I’d hit paydirt. But, while Metallica had introduced me to the wonderful world of metal, he regarded them as the heaviest band on earth, and didn’t like any other metal bands, and couldn’t see the appeal of the bands I listened to. He was more into alternative rock, and I felt myself being pulled further away from the “scene”, into his world, and I realized that wasn’t what I wanted. As time went on, we just spent less and less time together as my interests went in one direction and his in another. This wasn’t just about the music, but it was a big part of it. I knew metal would always be a big part of my life and I wanted someone to share that with.

Having dated (and married) a metalhead, I would never reconsider this decision (and it was a conscious decision). I have always been attracted to a certain personality in men – and those qualities were things I did not possess, qualities that complement my own personality. I think this is a subconscious decision on my behalf to choose people who will fill out the areas in which I lack.

My husband and I are very different: I am very frugal (sometimes to the point of ridiculousness), whereas he spends money as soon as he gets it, so together we create a (mostly) happy medium. I am painfully shy and eternally optimistic, and he is very forthright and cynical, so we balance those aspects of each other’s personalities. I am the person he needed to show him he can do more with his life than he ever imagined. And he is the person who will stick up for me and protect me when I can’t do this for myself.

Our metal, viking, medieval, halloween wedding

We “get” each other, in part because we both hear ourselves in the music, so we feel like we knew each other before we even met. Some of the best nights of my life were at gigs and festivals – I can’t imagine not being able to share that with someone.

My husband dated a number of girls before me, and he says.

“I never even contemplated dating a metal chick, because all the ones I met were scody. One of my girlfriends said she ‘understood why I liked metal, but just couldn’t get into it.” A couple of them liked that I had long hair and seemed “dangerous”. But metal was something I enjoyed by myself, or with mates while we drank beer and talked about our crazy girlfriends. I just thought that was normal.

“But with Steff, everything changed. She was totally different to those other girls; someone I never would have thought of dating if she hadn’t been wearing an Iron Maiden shirt. She wasn’t neurotic; she didn’t make everything into a big deal. She didn’t care about girly things – she’d ring up and ask if I wanted to do something, and it would always be fun. She introduced me to her mates and they were all metalheads, and they became my mates too, and before I know it I was playing drums again and my life had completely changed. And being a metalhead meant she liked all this other awesome stuff, too – archaeology, swordfighting, horror films, steak and chips – and we just clicked. Everything just clicked.”

But, I know a lot of guys (and girls) dating non-metalheads who find it works perfectly, because they share other things in their lives – medieval history, charity work, philosophies, industrial music – that mean more to them as a couple than metal. Many of my guy friends love going out to gigs with their friends as an excuse to hang out once a month, and have a big blokes night out. Others find metal cathartic, a way to meditate and let go of frustrations, a kind of inner peace they don’t want to share with someone else.

Don't marry a metalhead folks, if you don't want your wedding to look like this.

I know it’s harder for guys in the metalhead dating game, because while some research suggests an equal number of men and women listen to metal, men are predominantly the ones who go to shows, collect the albums, and obsess over the music. The girls who do this are either – to quote my charming husband – “ugly or taken.” So if you want a metalhead girl, you have the numbers stacked against you from the very beginning.

But that’s not the real issue here.

When you say “metalheads and non-metalheads, does it work?” what I hear is “Things seem perfect, but I’m starting to have doubts”.

Are you?

People tend to embrace metal because the music speaks to part of them – it becomes a manifestation of who they are and what they believe in. Your girlfriend obviously loves music too, and she probably feels the same way about her indie music.

Do you call her music “indie shit” to her face? I bet it pisses her off. Don’t do that, because it’s like you’re calling her indie shit, since her music is as much a part of her as metal is a part of you. Feel free to call it “indie shit” here, though, because I 100% agree.

You shouldn’t give up on your girl because she doesn’t like metal, but you should call it quits if she actually doesn’t get you, and what you stand for.

If you really want to make it with this girl, I would make her a mix CD of metal songs. Metal songs that describe you, describe her and the way you feel about her (maybe leave “Pleasure Slave” off). Songs that got you through the hard times, and celebrate the man you are now and the man you hope to be. Write the linear notes explaining what each song means to you. Trust me, she’s a girl, she will think this is the most amazing gift ever. 

Let her make a mix tape for you, full of indie shit, and see if you can understand.

When you hear a song out of context, and you’re not listening, you are bound to think its shit. When you go to a Deicide concert and you have no idea who they are, you’re going to find it scary. But if you show your girlfriend how metal makes you feel, . She will probably realize actually, she does like some of the songs you give her. And you will probably discover a few shit indie songs aren’t actually that bad.

Let me know how you get on! And also, if anyone reading has a question they’d like answered on the blog (or privately: I am on top of my email) send me a message at steff@steffmetal.com

\m/ Peace, Love and Necromancy \m/
Steff

I feel like this sometimes, too. So does my husband. We’re lucky, because we can always tell when the other person feels despondant, and we know just the thing to cheer that person up. Not everyone is so lucky to have someone around 24/7 helping them to stay happy, so here are 101 ideas for cheering yourself up. Lots of these ideas would be fun to do with a friend or lover, but they work just as well if you’re by your lonesome.

1. Have a pyjama party

In bed. Just you, something (or someone) to snuggle, a laptop, notebook or sketchpad, some rad music, a good movie, and a hot cup of chocolate. It’s the perfect antidote for dreary weather or cancelled plans.

2. Sushi

Buy one of those “make your own sushi” kits from the supermarket, and learn to roll your own little roundels of heaven. Once you get good at the traditional Western “chicken teriyaki”, experiment with kooky flavors. My favorite sushi is Avocado, Cream Cheese and Pinapple. No joke.

Eat your sushi sitting on the floor watching kung fu, Japanese horror, or a good ole-fashioned anime tentacle rape.

3. Send Postcards

Buy a packet of ten postcards and send a note to your friends – even the ones you see every day. Tell them how awesome you think they are, and how much you love hanging out with them. Or, if you want to be less sappy, just quote some Manowar lyrics and tell them they smell. I even make heavy metal postcards for just this purpose!

4. Share the Cookie Wuv

You are going to a gig at the local metal bar. Bake a batch of cookies and bring them along to share. You have now made 50 new friends.

5. Poetry

Find poems you like and hang them on your wall or write them on your diary. Every time I read words fitted together like an intricate puzzle, I feel like the whole world is magic. I really love the work of Catullus and Henry Wordsworth Longfellow and Richard Brautigen and Dean Koontz. Even old Aliester Crowley created remarkable imagery.

A Boat,
Richard Brautigan

O beautiful
was the werewolf
in his evil forest.
We took him
to the carnival
and he started
crying
when he saw
the Ferris wheel.
Electric
green and red tears
flowed down
his furry cheeks.
He looked
like a boat
out on the dark
water.

6. Dress Up

Create outifts of ridiculous clothes and accessories to do mundane tasks. Walk the dog in your bondage pants and Pantera shirt, vacuum the house in a tutu and high heels, buy milk at the store in nothing but a trenchcoat. (I’ll let you invent your own definition of “ridiculous”).

7. Make Magic Everyday

Learn a magic trick – it could be something a simple as a card trick or a slight-of-hand. Practise until you’re really good, and delight your friends next time you see them. Don’t give away your secret.

8. Ich bin ein Stern

Buy a packet of glow-in-the-dark stick-on stars (you know the ones). Sneak into a friends house while they’re away, and decorate the ceiling of their room. They probably won’t notice till they turn off their light.

9. Laugh

Watch a DVD of one of your favorite stand-up comedians. If you don’t have a favorite stand-up comedian, I suggest you get one! Here be my favorites: Dylan Moran, Ed Bryne, Eddie Izzard, Flight of the Conchords.

10. The Royal Bedchamber

Make a canopy and coronet for your bed. Go to the fabric store and choose luxurious fabrics – chintz and brocade and lace and satin – in your favorite colours. Gather them on the ceiling and tie them to the corners of your bed. You can attach curtain rods to the ceiling to create a dramatic canopy. If you have any leftover fabric, make a few simple pillows to match. You are now a princess.

11. Paper Hat

Wear a paper hat. You don’t have to stick to the simple boat-shape. Why not design a paper bowler hat, beret or top hat? I have a mini-top hat with a flower I made entirely from Braille paper, which I do wear out on occasion (I shall find a picture)

12. Healing Stones

Go to one of those hippy shops and buy yourself something weird – a homeopath treatment or some incense or a dreamcatcher or a reiki massage or whatever they’re got on offer. Hell, what have you got to lose?

13. Bathtime

Run yourself a bath. Gather together all your exquisite bathroom pampering treatments – all the luscious soaps and decadent shower gels you haven’t opened because they’re “special” and you don’t want to use them up. Open them all. Use them all. Take the phone off the hook, put up a do-not-disturb sign, pour yourself a glass of wine or mead, put on some relaxing music, and read a book, or stare at the ceiling.

14. Bubbles!

Blow bubbles. You can buy little jars of bubble mixture at those $2 shops, or make a simple bubble mixture at home using dishwashing liquid, water, and sugar or corn syrup. TIP: Storing your solution for a day can actually lead to better bubbles.

Pirate Kite

15. Fly a Kite

I never forget the thrill of a kite soaring through the sky, tugging at the string in a desperate attempt to be free. Some shops rent kites – CDH and I rented one from a shop on the Gold Coast once, but you’d have to google your area to find out where they are. Better yet, make your own kite.

16. Trim

Find one of those treasure-trove fabric and trimming shops with hundreds of bits of old lace and rooms of buttons and bins of fabric offcuts. Set yourself a budget – say, $15, and find a mad ensemble of items. Take them home and decorate a hat, headband, bag, necklace or bag.

17. Midnight Snackage

Invite someone over for a midnight snack – someone who makes you laugh so hard your stomach hurts. Eat nachos from the plate together and giggle. Last night, CDH and I stayed up late watching old favorites from our DVD collection and eating apple and rhubarb crumble. We caught the Simpsons – it was one of the newer episodes where Grandpa drags the family to Ireland and Homer ends up buying an Irish pub, which they subsequently turn into a smokeasy. The programme ends, as the Simpsons stints abroad tend to do, with Homer on trial. Chief Wiggan turns up to escort the Simpsons home. Therin follows a hilarious sequence where Chief Wiggam hits himself in the eye while twirling his baton, then tries to soothe the bruise with mace, then somehow manages to taser himself, and of course, once you start tasering yourself, you actually can’t stop. For some reason, this got CDH – he could not stop laughing. He rolled around for awhile and gave himself the hiccups. It was hilarious.

18. Sexy

Wear a suspender belt with stockings. All day, every day. Even if your a guy.

19. Bells

Wear bells around your ankles. You can buy ankle bells at medieval markets. I love them, although you can never sneak up behind someone to surprise them.

20. Inexpensive Pampering

Go to a shop like “Lush” and spend some time smelling everything. Then buy yourself a little treat. Many people like to buy incredible handmade soap from Etsy – I don’t, because I live in NZ and the shipping makes it horrendously expensive. Plus you loose out on the smelling – the smelling is the important part.

21. Hydration

You should drink water more often – it’s good for you and makes you feel happy. But it should also be fun. Buy yourself a water bottle – not one of those one-use plastic ones, but something grymm, like a stainless steel masterpiece or a skull-shaped bottle. Or find yourself a beautiful vintage glass bottle and use that. I bet you’ll feel like a pirate!

22. Out, out, dammed spot!

Quote Shakespeare at inappropriate moments. If you’ve never developed an appreciation for Shakespeare, it’s never too late to pick up a copy of Richard III or a Midsummer Night’s Dream. Or why not go against the grain and read some Ben Johnson or Thomas Marlowe instead? They were bloody good, too.

23. Ancient Foibles

If you really, really can’t understand the modern english, read Aristophanes – an ancient greek comic writer. He’s hilarious. Seriously, laugh out loud funny, especially if you have a passing knowledge of ancient greek culture and mythology. Try the Lysistrata, a play about a group of wives who are desperate to stop the war between Athens and Sparta and bring their husbands home to sleep with them – so desperate, they declare a SEX STRIKE until the war is over. Hilarity Ensues.

24. Presents!

Buy or make an amazing gift – like a mix CD of your favorite songs or a beautiful box of chocolates – and wrap it in a bix box with a pretty ribbon. Give it a tag saying “to you”, and place it in the middle of the sidewalk outside your window. Watch how long it takes before someone picks it up.

25. Watch-word

Change your passwords on your email, your bank, your paypal account, everything, to words that make you smile. Banana, elocution, evisceration, duped, muggle, flippant, pumpkmen, snooty, sneed, salacious … the possibilities are endless!

26. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot

Find a playground in your area. Swing on the swings. Better yet, if you have a backyard with a tree, build a swing for yourself. I find all the world’s problems can be solved by a little swing-time.

27. Love your Fear

If you’re afraid of something, tell yourself you actually love it. I’ve found if you tell yourself something often enough, eventually you’ll believe it. I used to be afraid of thunderstorms, until I started telling myself I loved them: the epic display of nature’s prowess, the anticipation of waiting for thunder, that feeling of being warm and safe inside. Now I love them.

28. To the Theatre

Go and see a play. No, not a movie. An actual display of live theatre. You can find descriptions of plays on theatre websites – local productions cost about the same as a movie ticket, and they often give student discounts.

You could travel even further from the norm and try the ballet. I went to the ballet once, and loved it, although it was a production of Dracula. The costumes … sigh! We are organising tickets for Sweeny Todd in June, another exciting outing for our friends. We’re hoping to go to dinner somewhere that makes pies.

I also went to the opera once, in Greece. The greek opera – sung in Italian with Greek subtitles. There were two operas on in the one night, because neither was the length of a full opera (operattes?) The second was a traditional story (my expert opera-attending buddy tells me) but the first … well, there was a man trapped in a cell with a maid singing to him while she swept the floor. The curtains at the back opened and he had a conversation with some hooded figures. His guards came and sung to him then left him alone. He sang and sang and the lights went down and the music swelled and his cell door creaked over, revealing … a pot plant. Yes. A pot plant. He picked the pot plant up and held it and caressed it and a guard came in and he shot the guard, and I don’t remember what happened after that, except I bet there was more singing.

29. Write to Your Idols

Compile a list of all the people in the world you want to meet – all the amazing artists, writers, musicians, actors, thinkers, dreamers and activists who’ve inspired you over the years.

Start emailing them and making contact. Tell them everything you’d want to tell them in real life – how they touched your life and inspired your own creativity, which of their works had the greatest impact on you, what you think of their latest project. Ask their opinion on matters concerning the world and point them in the direction of your own work. You never know, you might even get a reply.

30. Read Outside

There’s something very peaceful about reading a book under a tree, or while sitting on a wooden bench in a deserted rose garden.

31. Join the Library

I lived in Auckland for four and a half years before I joined the public library, and, although I had access to the university library, I regret my sojurn from fiction books. Now, I work right next door to the library, and I’m reading a book or two every week. Plus, you can use the itnernet there for free, and they run fun events and readings and competitions.

32. Break from Technology

Stop watching TV for a week. Unplug the modem. Live in the real world totally and utterly for a week. Sometimes I feel as though we live too much of our life online, and we make contacts, but no real connections. Get out into the world and experience RL for a week – if nothing else, you’ll have something interesting to write about when you get back to your blog.

33. Hiaku

The very act of focusing your thoughts into a hiaku relaxes and empowers you. (For those of you who don’t know, a hiaku is style of japanese poetry: the first line has 5 syllables, the second line 7, and the third line 5. Write all your emails in hiaku.

Wallet, $25

34. Krieg Up your Wallet

I bet you keep your money in a plain leather wallet, don’tchya? Well, find something cooler. What about this fleur-de-lys Stone Hinged wallet? Or this Steampunk Gear leather wallet? Or a gothic cigarette tin wallet?

35. Re-create your Food Lust

Think of your favorite food at your favorite restuarant. Now, scour the internet and all the fancy cookbooks for a likely recipe. Buy all the fresh ingredients and attempt to make your fave dish at home. You probably won’t succeed, but you might come up with something even nicer, or, at the very least, a new appreciation of the skill of your favorite chef.

I love this tofu pad thai gai at the Thai restuarant across the road from my office, but I cannot find a recipe that comes even close to it’s deliciousness. It doesn’t help I have no concept of what to do with tofu.

36. Metal Green Thumb

Buy a weird plant and take care of it. By weird, I mean a deadly nightshade or venus flytrap or sarracenia or nepenthes. Check out this gothic garden livejournal community for more ideas.

37. Hang Windchimes

I’ve always loved the tinkle of winchimes and crystals. I lined the entire length of my window in my room at my folk’s house with various chimes – ceramic bells I strung up with beads, clear crystals that sparkle in the sun, blown glass droplets which make an incredible sound when they clink together, a ceramic wind chime, dreamcatchers, african animals with bells … it’s so colorful and cheery.

38. Re-vocabise

During my second year of uni, a friend and I embarked on an important and dangerous mission: to banish those horrid words “like” and “totally” from our everyday vocab, when used as a sentence filler “You’re like totally kidding me?” or “I want to, like, find that shirt I lost” or “Metallica were, like, my favorite band ever”. So every time I’d say one of those words, she’s interrupt me and I’d have to say the sentence again, without using “like”. After awhile, your brain gets sick of being interrupted all the time and you stop saying them. It worked for a good two or three years. They’ve crept back into my vocab, and my writing, but I aim to remedy this!

39. Learn Braille

Yes, you read correctly. You’re probably not blind, but you could learn Braille anyway. First, you learn to read the dots with your eyes and interpret them as letters, and then you learn contractions “ed” and “and” and “st”, etc. It’s super easy, like learning a secret code, and will make trips in elevators more fun.

Also, you learn something of what it would be like to lose one of your senses. You understand that, no matter what happens to you, the world keeps turning, and dragging you with it. You can survive anything.

40. Alternatively, learn Sign Language

For the same reasons above.

41. Wear a Mask

If you’re feeling lonely and self-conscious, why not hide your face with a mask? If you want to hide away, hide behind a wall of latex or leather or sequins or lace. You can find venetian masks at Masquerade Magic or cyber masks at Obscuria.

42. Exercise

You know exercise is good for you, and it makes you feel good. So exercise! Run around the block, do star jumps in the living room. Find the local ice-skating rink or rock climbing wall, hike through the park, practise yoga, salsa dancing or burlesque (you can find lots of free lessons on youtube).

43. Archery

I am legally blind. I can barely see three feet in front of my face. Yet I love archery. Strutting around with a massive bow and arrows in your quivver feels awesome. I’m constantly posing like I’m in Lord of the Rings. Archery takes concentration, a steady hand and a keen eye (or a good spotter). It’s a sport you do outdoors, rain or shine, by yourself or with a friend. There’s no shouting, no balls flying everywhere, no team rivalry … just you and a bow and your own internal challenges.

44. No One at Home

Change your voicemail message to something hilarious. Mine says “Hello, you’ve reached Steff’s cell. Unfortunately, I can’t come to the phone right now, as I’m preparing for the imminent zombie apocalypse. If you’re listening to this, I suggest you find yourself a sharp implement and head to your nearest shopping mall.” All the messages I receive begin with the callers giggling.

45. Worship a new God

Go to a religious service of a religion you don’t belong to and don’t believe in, (only if this is allowed and you’re not offending anyone). Really embrace the experience with an open mind and try to learn something about who these people are, who they believe in and how their faith affects their everyday life.

46. High Heels

Make yourself a pair of stilts. All you need are two sturdy planks or wood, and two wooden squares to act as footholds. Bolt / nail / glue the squares to the wooden planks, sand down the rough edges and practise your high walking!

47. Paricipate in Operation Beautiful

Operation Beautiful‘s mission is to put up annoymous notes in public places for other women to find. The notes say “you are beautiful” and give the Operation Beautiful web address. I’ve put up a few around Auckland, and I hope they made somebody’s day.

48. Music

Dig out your favorites – the music that makes you feel the world is full of wonder. Play loud, sing along, dance on the bed, throw your arms around, headbang, smash something, slow dance with your cat. My feel-good favorites: Metallica – Ride the Lightning, Iron Maiden – Seventh Son of a Seventh Son, Manowar – Kings of Metal, Venom – Black Metal, Arch Enemy – Doomsday Machine, Bif Naked – I Bificus, The Dresdon Dolls – Dresdon Dolls, Blind Guardian – Nightfall on Middle Earth.

49. Realise a Lifelong Dream

Have you ever had a dream come true? I can’t describe the feeling – like everything in your whole life has lead up to that moment, and nothing will ever make you sad again.

I’ve wanted to see the Great Pyramids since I was … ooh, about seven. And when I stood there, and I touched them, and I went inside, I cried. Not very metal of me, I know. But they were more incredible than I could ever imagine. So get out there and make a lifelong dream come true.

50. Decide on a Lifelong Dream

Maybe you’ve never had a dream come true because you don’t have a dream … or you don’t think you do.

Write a list of things you wish you could do before you die. Keep the list nearby you and ad items to it constantly. Even write down the dreams you have for other people. Do you want to see your child succeed or your partner quit their job and pursue a lifelong passion? Add that to the list, too.

You’ll discover certain items on the list tug at your heart-strings more than others. These are your dreams. Knowing what they are is your first step to achieving them.

51. Indulge a Guilty Pleasure

Whatever it might be. I am partial to eating Tim Tams and watching Dr. Phil, or listening to the Rasmus. Be proud to be silly.

52. Have Something Delicious Delivered to your House

Don’t go for the normal pizza – see if your favorite italian or moroccan restuarant do deliveries? Will the bakery send you out a fresh-baked loaf? Bask in the glory of ringing someone up and having hot food arrive on your doorstep. It’s a womderful world we live in.

53. Tourism!

Dress up like a tourist (shorts, shirt, camera, “bum bag”, ridiculous hat, guidebook in back pocket) and go do something really touristy: whale-watching, the tourist bus tour, or go to the over-priced amusements. Talk loudly, take hundreds of photos.

54. Clothing Attack

Find all the clothes in your wardrobe you don’t really like and attack them with hundreds of studs and spikes. I bet you like them better now, right?

55. Invent Music

Buy a silly instrument – a harmonica, a tin whistle, a recorder, a djambje, anything as long as it’s inexpensive and makes noise. Be loud and enthusiastic in your playing.

56. Feed Ducks

Make a “feel happy” soundtrack of your favorite songs, and stick it on your MP3 player. Put on your favorite walking clothes. Walk to your local park or river, stopping at the dairy on the way to pick up a loaf of bread. Walk through the park listening to your favorite songs, a find a good stop to sit down a throw morsels of bread to the ducks and geece.

Ducks are my favorite animals, besides cats. Ducks have it all – they can float, they can swin, they can fly and they can waddle adorably.

57. Secret Squirrel

Find a secret place. Your secret place should be high up, with a great view. Look for tall trees in the park, abandoned buildings with easily-scaled roofs, or unknown nooks and niches above bridges. Take yourself there when you feel blue, listen to music or read a book and watch the city unfold around you. Be careful climbing to your secret place – falling from your favorite tree won’t cheer you up!

58. Buy Silly Slippers

In the cold of winter, your feet need all the warm they can get. A pair of ridiculous slippers – shaped like dogs, penguins or Eric Adam’s loincloth – cheer you up.

59. Otherwise Know As …

Decide on new nicknames for all of your friends. Send them a text or email to let them know their new nickname, and call them that from now on. The more outrageous the nicknames, the better.

I have had many nicknames over the years: Scopes, Steffocles, Double F, Squints, Blinkin’, Blinkie Bill (I detest this), Steffy, Steffy-waffles, Titi, Dozer and Beaker (those last two gens are from my husband. Such a caring fellow.)

Nicknames make a person feel loved, like they’ve reached a new level of intimacy with you.

60. Rise and Shine, Sleepyhead

Changing your morning routine can alter your whole day. If you shower at night, try showering in the morning, just after you wake up. What do you eat for breakfast? DO you eat breakfast? We need to change that? Do you open the curtains? If not, open them wide! Do you get up too early? Too late? Change up your routine for a week, and measure the affects on you whole persona.

61. Wake-up Call

Change your alarm clock to something fun. On our epic Europe adventure we had “Morning Manowar”. I tell you, nothing makes you more excited to get up and explore castles than “Hail and Kill” at 7am.

62. Find a Totem

A totem is an emblam representing a creature or object you feel a strong connection with. Carrying a totem on your person gives you the sense of being able to draw power from associating yourself with that creature. It’s a little new-agey, but I also think it’s quite metal.

My totem animals are cats, and birds – specifically ravens and ducks. We made friends with ravens in Norway, and ever since, I’ve fallen utterly in love with them.

63. Experience New Things

Find a list of “what’s on in your town”, and for a week, do something new every day. Alternatively, search travel websites for reviews of off-the-beaten track things to do in your area – sometimes backpackers find the gems you’d never otherwise discover, because their hearts and minds are actively searching for those experiences.

64. Lego

One day I was feeling crap (I can’t remember why), and CDH snuck out of the house. He returned 20 minutes later carrying a huge box. What was inside? A lego viking ship!

We spent the afternoon making it up and having high seas viking adventures. Best. Cheering. Up. Ever.

65. Write a Personal Manifesto

Who are you really? What are you about? What makes you tick? What morals and beliefs do you follow?

Write yourself a personal manifesto – who you are, who you want to be and how you’re gonna get there. For more info on manifesto writing (an artform in itself) read about Nothing Elegant’s Blog Manifesto project (pssst, you’ll be hearing a lot more about this soon).

66. Open an Etsy Shop

If you’re a creative type, why not see if you can sell some work online. Etsy is a great place to sell handmade crafts or vintage collections. You don’t have to try and make millions selling your work, but list a few of your best pieces and see how you go.

TIP: The key to success on Etsy (as far as I can tell) is to list lots of items, so your stuff shows up in more searches. Try to list an item a day for 30 days – you should start to see more regular sales once you have over 50-100 items in your shop (which is what I’m currently working towards). It’s only 20c to list an item, so you not going to bankrupt yourself.

67. Make Someone’s Day

Mark Twain said “the best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer somebody else up”. The man speaks truth. Call an old friend up, just to say hi. Text someone and tell them they’re awesome. Take any idea from this list and do it for someone else, instead of for yourself.

68. Gratitude

Write a Gratitude List – I do this sometimes on the blog. It’s called Up the Irons! and it’s a shout-out to everything good in life. Sometimes, when you concentrate on the bad, you forget all the little things making up the world of good.

69. De-Clutter

Clean out a drawer, cupboard, desk or room you’ve filled up with stuff. Pile up old clothes and books to give to charity shops, and toss the rest away (or recycle it, if you can). You don’t need so much stuff, and having a clean desk/room/drawer feels like having a clean start. I feel instantly fresh and inspired after cleaning my eternally cluttered writing desk.

70. Light a Fire

Don’t you find something oddly comforting about a live, roaring fire? My family has always had open fires blazing throughout winter – I’ve never owned a heater till I moved to Auckland and lived in a hostel. We would sit round the fire at night and eat dinner, do our homework, watch TV. Sometimes, Dad would cook crumpets or pikelets on the fire, or we’d roast marshmallows.

If you have an open fireplace, light a fire in your living room and curl up next to it with a book and a bag of marshmallows. Hot chocolate, pikelet mixture, jam and chocolates work a treat, too.

If not, can you make a fire in a drum in your backyard? (check your local law about this). Pull up a chair, a can (or horn) of mead and a steak sandwich. Taste the night air on your tongue.

71. Fresh Fruits and Vegetables

A diet of highly processed foods deprives us of much-needed nutrients, and nutrients make us happy. So give yourself a nutrient feast – find your local farmers market and spend up large and the freshest, most delicious fruits and vegetables. Toss into a salad, bake into a pie, boil up in a big vat of soup, or just enjoy raw with olive oil and hummus.

72. Play Board Games

You’re going to need a partner for this. Dig out all your “old school” board games – Monopoly, Hamburger (my favorite, cuz it’s about food), Mousetrap, Trouble, UNO, Blackgammen … whatever you had as a kid, and play them all. Make fairy bread and drink orange juice and wrap yourself in big blankets.

73. “Get Away From It All”

I’ve never been an advocate for this method of dealing with an issue, because you’re bound to find the issue waiting for you when you return from your sojourn.

But sometimes, you just need a break from the world. If you know you need to “get away” for a few days, really get away. Skip town, and don’t take your cell phone. Go bush. Pack your tent and billy and find a corner of the wilderness unpopulated with human life. Relish the stillness of a world untouched by urban living. In the clarity of fresh air, all your muddled thoughts sometimes become crystal clear.

74. The Old Fashioned Way

I bake bread every day. EVERY DAY. I don’t use a breadmaker, or any prepackaged mix. I make bread the old-fashioned way – the way humankind has made bread for 10 000 years.

Throw away your modern conveniences and learn to make something to “old-fashioned” way. Can your own tomato pasta sauce, squeeze your own orange juice, make your own beer (I’m doing a home-brew course this year – exciting!), bake a loaf of bread from scratch … kneading that bread is theraputic, trust me.

75. Build a Fort

Need I say more?

76. Up in the Air

This isn’t cheap, but I guarantee it will cheer you up. Go on a hot air balloon ride.

We took a hot air balloon ride over Cappedocia in Turkey. Not cheap (wiped our Middle-East budget clear out) but worthwhile. I never expected the sensation of being inside a hot-air balloon to feel like it did – everything is still. You can’t feel wind. You just hang, and bob along. You can hear everything happening on the streets below. Amazing

77. Beach

Maybe it’s just a New Zealand thing, but nothing says relaxing and good times like going to the beach.

Go to a deserted beach – they’re easy to find if you know where to look. Pack a picnic lunch. Roll the legs of your pants up and run through the surf. Clamber over the rocks and find little fishies in the tide pools. Build a sandcastle. Watch the sun set over the water.

78. Adopt a Pet

If you feel lonely, give part of your home to an animal without one. Every day, the SPCA and other animal shelters rescue hundreds of unwanted, neglected pets, and if no one comes to adopt them … you know what happens. It’s shameful and we should all do our bit for these animals.

Scientists have proven stroking a cat enduces healing and reduces feelings of lonliness and anxiety. Pets love unconditionally, and they always know just what to do to make you laugh.

79. Karaoke

Who thought up such a ridiculous idea? And yes, as silly as karaoke seems, it’s immensly popular and lots of fun.

Can’t sing? Neither can anyone else. Just do the best you can. Ham it up, be OTT ridiculous. Death growl if you have to.

80. Sparklers

Wait until fireworks go on sale in November, and stock up on these little packets of joy. Bring out a few sparklers to light up your BBQs over summer, or just dance around the backyard when you feel a little feral. Spell naughty words in the air, have a dual against a tree, or just pretend you are a fire fairy. Sparklers rule.

81. Ice Cream Parlour

Find your nearest ice cream parlour, and order the largest, most ridiculous sundae on their menu. Eat it all. Don’t feel guilty.

Or, better yet, make your own concoction at home. Give it a hilarious name, like “Steff’s Epic Metal Sundae Mountain of Doom”, cover it in whipped cream, frosting, crumbled biscuits, cut-up Mars bars, nuts, sprinkles, chocolate chips, cherries, bananas, blueberries, sauce, fudge, sherbert and anything else you can think of. Eat it all. Don’t feel guilty.

82. Old School

Go to the library or a second-hand bookshop and find some of those series books from the nineties: the ones you undoubtedly read: The Baby-Sitters Club, Sweet Valley High, Pony Club, Goosebumps, Fear Street. Read them all again. Damn, weren’t they terribly awesome?

83. Community Classes

CDH and I are taking German classes at a nearby high school. It costs us $89 for seven 2 hour lessons, with all materials included. The school runs classes in everything: from burlesque dancing to Metalworking to Indian cooking. They are cheap, they are run by enthusiastic, experienced teachers, they are filled with interesting people, they enable you to learn new skills. In short – community classes are awesome.

84. Notebook

Buy yourself a fancy notebook, and a nice pen. I love Black Spot Books and Bibliographica who handbind journals they’ve created using recycled leather and found materials. I also like Immortal Longing’s Shakespeare-inspired journals. Lots of people adore Moleskeine journals, but I honestly don’t see the difference between them and any other notebook.

What will you use your notebook for? Oh, the possibilities!

writing poetry
sketching
doodling
a gratitude journal
song lyrics
inspirational quotes
funny lists
love letters
things you want to do before you die

85. Random Club

Open your gig guide, close your eyes, and point. That’s where you’re going tonight. Dress inappropriately, and make the best of it.

86. Starry Night

Find your local observatory or planetarium. Show up for one of their evening lectures – they normally set up telescopes so you can look at celestial bodies. Better yet, take a course in astronomy. Amaze yourself at just how busy it is out there.

My clever husband can navigate a boat by the stars.

87. Sleepy Time

If you can spare the dough, buy new sheets and a duvet for your bed. Find something completely luxurious in a your favorite colour. Make Over your bed, and you make over your sleep.

88. Facebook Friends

You know all those random “friends of friends’ who keep adding you on Facebook? Strike up a conversation with one of them. You know you already have something in common, and they added you so they can’t think your a serial killer or anything. Who knows, a “friend of a friend” might turn into an actual friend.

89. Dinner and a Movie

By Yourself. Yes, go out on a “typical” date all by yourself. Eat at your favorite restuarant (and don’t bring a book. You don’t need to distract yourself from your own company), and then go to a movie you really want to see. Buy yourself all the treats YOU want to eat, sit wherever you want (I love sitting right in the front row, and I fold all the armrests up and lie down. Cushiney!)

90. Love Letter

Write someone a love letter in chalk on the steps up to their apartment or the pavement outside their flat. Use several colours. Hide and watch their reaction when they see it.

91. Signature Cocktail

Pull all the liquer bottles out of your cabinet and line then up on the bench. Now, go to the fridge and pull out all the liquids and fruits. Do the same with the pantry. Now, line up all your shot glasses and start mixing! You’re searching for the perfect signature cocktail. This involves lots of taste-testing. Be daring, be crazy. Give your drink a wacky name.

This is an excellent way to use all those liquer bottles people have left with half a centimetre of liquid inside.

92. Road Trip

Road trips kick ass. A car, good music, an adventure, bad food, what more could you want? I love a trip when you know roughly where you’re going, but you don’t have a specific schedule, so you can stop and look at random things on the way. On the last road trip I went on – up to a campsite by a lake – we stopped to take air-guitar pictures outside a picturesque white chapel in the middle of a rolling field. Next, we made faces underneath a duck-crossing sign.

93. Collect something Interesting

It could be anything – I collect miniature trinket boxes (I want to start collecting pill or snuff boxes exclusively), and fossils, and I used to collect locks of hair. CDH collects vintage books about trains. I have a friend who collects typewriters, another who collects statues of elephants.

Once you’ve decided on your collection, spend hours scouring eBay or Amazon and making a huge wishlist of all the items you want to add to your collection. You probably can’t afford to buy them all, but maybe splash out on just one.

94. Pay off Debt

Owing people money stresses me out. I feel like a failure if I haven’t budgeted accordingly to be able to pay for something in cash, or I have to borrow money from a friend.

So sit down and make a plan. Many people find great success in Dave Ramsey’s “Debt Snowball” plan: you write a list of all your debts in order of how much money is left on them. You make sure you’re paying the minimum on each, except for the one with the least amount left to pay back. You throw everything else you’ve got at that payment, and as soon as you’ve paid it off, you throw everything at the next smallest, and so on. It’s not the most cost-effective way (if one of your larger payments has a much higher interest rate) but most of debt repayment is about staying focused, and it’s hard to stay focused if you don’t see any results. Getting rid of each payment is like a little present for all your hard work – you stay motivated.

95. Paddle

You can buy a decent-sized paddling pool at the Warehouse or Para rubber or whatever the equivelent house-of-plastic-crap is in your country. Fill it with water (warm or hot) and bubble bath. Pour yourself a glass of wine and have your own private paddle spa in your backyard. I like to do this at night when you can see the stars.

happy bubbles

96. Celebrate random holidays

You might have realised by now, I’m a big fan of celebrating random and made-up holidays. I’ve written before about remembering Dimebag Darryl and having a metal Christmas, but I’m sure you can think of lots of ideas for random or made-up holidays.

Celebrate the birthdays of your favorite writers, musicians and artists. Celebrate crazy religious holidays – Gala Darling wrote about celebrating Holi – a hindi festival where everyone throws coloured powder over everyone else. It looks like the most fun ever.

97. Let Go of Useless People

On a couple of occasions I’ve had to let go of friends who were hurting me. They were good friends and good people and I loved them and didn’t realise what a negative effect they had on my life, until it was too late. Sometimes, loving someone isn’t enough, when they expect you to carry them too.

Let go of the people who cause you pain. Set them free to find themselves. Be the hero – be the person brave enough to say “this isn’t working and it has to end.” Letting those people go was like a huge weight lifting from my chest.

I’m a firm believer that if the friendship is meant to be, it will come back, stronger than ever. And ending a friendship doesn’t undo all the wonderful, amazing good times and experiences you had together.

98. Embrace another Culture

Choose a culture or time period you don’t know anything about, but have always been fascinated with, and start reading books and websites. Whether you choose ancient Egypt, Communist Russia, Imperial China, the Maori or the Inuit, start a love affair with another time or place.

99. Mmmmm, Sprinkles

Bake a cake for a friend, or for your colleagues at work. For no reason, except “just because”. I find the act of baking theraputic – no matter what’s going on in the world, you still stir the batter, lick the bowl, and make your house smell amazing. Plus, you get to surprise someone with cake.

100. Hug someone

I love hugs – they’re my favoritest thing in the whole world. If you hug someone (a friend, a parent, a lover, a stranger), chances are, they’ll hug you back. Yay, hugs for everyone!

TIP: If you ever meet me, give me a hug. I will love you forever.

101. Talk to Steff

Even if no one else cares, even if no one in the whole wide world wants to listen to you moan or growl or cry or scream or laugh or sob or growl or smile – I do. Shoot me an email at steff@steffmetal.com – I always answer.

Phew! I’m all out of ideas now. What do you do to cheer yourself up?

Steff

It seems horribly clich’ed, but I’m not a Valentine’s Day fan. It seems like such a fake, commercial “holiday”. There’s no real “holiday” aspect to it. You don’t relax on the beach, or curl up on the couch with a good book, or hang out with friends. You buy some tacky teddy bear with a heart balloon and hope you’re gonna get laid.

The origins of Valentines Day are lost in the ages. No one even knows if it’s related to Valentine. It’s likely our modern traditions derive from the Roman fertility festival of Lupercalia. When the Romans were Christianised, they transformed all their pagan holidays into church-sanctioned parties. In 496 AD the Pope declared Lupercalia the feast of St. Valentine, who had performed secret marriage services during their reign of Claudius II and was executed for this <>. Claudius ruled during a great period of strife and believed marriage made his soldiers weak.

In medieval France and England (thanks Chaucer) St. Valentines Day came to be associated with romance. The church tried to bring the holiday back to sacred pursuits, but it’s popularity as a day for courtship and romance grew. In the Middle Ages, handmade cards and gifts were exchanged between lovers, and this practise moved with the expansion of the empire until it reached the Americas, where the first commercial Valentines cards were printed in the 1840s.

I think, as always, the church takes these things far too seriously, and Valentines Day, if you choose to celebrate it, should be a day of fun and frivolity. But there’s so much pressure now: “how many Valentines did you get?” “What did YOUR husband do?”, “Don’t worry, I’m sure SOMEONE will give you a Valentine” that Valentines Day just isn’t any fun. And more and more people boycott this holiday, including us.

CDH said once “I’m not participating in a gift grab designed to make insecure women feel special. My job is to make you feel special every day of the year.” And it’s true, and I agree with him, and he does.

I tried to find a picture of a metal valentine, but these guys kept coming up instead. Aren't they ... well sculpted?

But not everyone agrees with me and I don’t see the harm in a retail-mandated excuse to indulge your beloved. As a lady easily swayed by romantic notions (although my idea of romance differs considerably from that of the “average” female) I offer some tips to my male readers on romantic gestures for your metalhead missus, for Valentines Day, or any day.

1. Instead of buying her sexy lingerie, find her a limited-edition Pestilence vinyl.

2. Instead of saying “I love you,” throw her the goat. (bonus points if it’s a real goat).

3. Forgo sappy flowers. She’d much prefer a deadly nightshade plant.

4. Instead of a heart-shaped necklace, present her with a Thor’s Hammer on a leather thong.

5. Instead of buying her heart-shaped chocolates, cook her steak, eggs and chips.

6. Instead of taking her out to dinner and a movie, rent a bunch of cheesy b-grade horror films and pop a giant tub of popcorn.

7. Instead of serenading her at her window, let her choose the songs in the car stereo.

8. Instead of scattering rose petals around the house, paint the walls with inverted crosses and pentegrams.

9. Instead of ringing the local radio station to dedicate a cheesy ballad to her, dedicate a song to her at your next gig. Bonus points if it’s Manowar’s “Pleasure Slave”.

10. Instead of a romantic picnic beside a babbling steam, go see a Deicide concert. 

Do you have any more ideas for metal alternatives to valentines traditions?

Steff

The world is a wonderful place :)

Heavy Metal and You, by Christopher Krovatin

Boy listens to lots of loud music and hangs with his friends. Boy meets girl. Boy falls dippy-happy-scared-as-hell in love with girl. Friends meet girl — and aren’t impressed. Girl meets friends — and isn’t impressed. Boy meets big dilemma. Boy plays music even louder.

I haven’t done a review in … several months. Rest assured, this will change now that I’m in the same place long enough to read books, watch movies and do things worthy of review.

Port O’ Call: Heavy Metal and Me, Scholastic, is a book aimed at the young adult (teen) readers.

Mateys: Written by Christopher Krovatin, who was born in 1985, the same year that Slayer released Hell Awaits.

Premise: Sam the pot-smoking, classical literature lovin’ metalhead meets Melissa, the girl of his dreams. Smart, cute, funny … and totally straight edge. After a disasterous date at a Deicide concert, Sam tries his hardest to please Melissa … but that means changing who he is. Giving up drugs, alcohol, smoking and his friends come easier than Sam thought, but Heavy Metal?

Why it’s Kreig: Krovatin has been compared to Nick Hornby – a well-justified claim. He writes with humor, raw passion and a deep respect for the music and the people who love it. A book like this could only have been written by a metalhead.

I love that it shows a character more like the metalheads that I know – intelligent, literate and articulate. Sammy is a real metalhead, a real person, not a caricature of us. He’s self-aware, he doesn’t spend the novel whining about no one understanding him or randomly inserting Slayer lyrics into conversation for comedic purposes.

He’s also smitten, and he makes mistakes, and you love him all the more for it. You love him because he’s you when you were sixteen, and in love, and you thought you knew what you were doing, but really you didn’t. Sammy deals with his situation, his perfect girlfrined – who wanted the intelligent, funny Sam without his friend and his smoking and his anger and his heavy metal.

Krovatin says:

“I’ve fallen for one girl too many who’s wanted some variation of who I am and only that. It eats you alive.”

It eats Sammy alive, too. And we read this, and we just want to jump into the book and give him a hug and tell him that actually, he’s a totally awesome person, just the way he is.

Melissa, the girlfriend, is another incredible character. She’s so human, you can’t hate her. She’s not an idealised, bitch girlfriend who’s easy to hate. She just doesn’t yet understand that chosing to be with someone means accepting all of them.

Likewise, Sammy’s friends remind me of real people I knew in high school.

Sam goes off on these amazing, off-the-wall awesome and totally hilarious rants – about music, about life, about hipsters. And they’re all so true:

“I’ve always thought that, as much as I utterly loathed some of it, music was still music, be it Annihilator or Good Charlotte or Ja Rule or Sigor Ros or Christina fucking Aguilera, and that assholes are assholes, regardless of their musical taste.  Hipsters, though, were the anti-what-I-just said.  There are hipsters for every musical genre: metal hipsters, Goth hipsters, rap hipsters, even country hipsters (well, a few).  And by the look of it, I had two emo/indie megahipsters in front of me – the worst kind.  I don’t know why, but it just seemed like those two genres of music bred more hipsters than any other.”

And, lastly, who couldn’t adore a heavy metal love story set to a soundtrack of Slayer and Testament and Paradise Lost?

Why it’s emo: It’s clear (and unsurprising given the author’s age at the time this book was written) that Sammy is a manifestation of the author’s own experiences and opinions. Krovatin even says as much in this interview. There is a real honesty about Sam – he’s a person I feel I really know.

However, he has a couple of emo moments – crying about his past and such – and they’re not as well shown as I felt they could be. The author, knowing his own internal thoughts so well, glossed over them a little, so the impact of Sam’s breakdowns wasn’t as strong as it could have been. Instead, he came across as a bit, well, emo.

Also, some more discerning metal readers might disagree with many of Sam’s listening choices. (Shadow’s Fall, what?) and could find fault in simplistic descriptions of the Norwegian Black Metal scene. But I don’t feel either of these points detract from the awesomeness of the story and characters.

Quote: “My teeth were nice commodities, and I did enjoy having kidneys, but I’d give them all away if someone threatened to take my Slayer albums from me.”

Rating: four horns for being a little on the emo side \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/

Super Snuggles and Shoggoth Kisses
Steff

I’ve just been dumped by my boyfriend of three years. I feel like shit. He wasn’t a bad person or anything, and I thought our relationship was pretty good. I don’t understand why he suddenly changed his mind about us. I still love him and all I want is to have him back. I cry all the time and txt him begging him to take me back.

He now says he can’t handle me txting and calling and crying anymore and he doesn’t even want to be my friend. What? I lost my boyfriend and now I have to lose my best friend, too? We always said if we broke up we would still be friends – I feel totally betrayed. I miss the person who’s been beside me for over three years. My friends keep saying I need to calm down and forget about him, but I don’t WANT to. I want him in my life. Is that so much to ask?

What’s happening to me? It’s been a month – why don’t I feel any better?

 ***

Tr00 Metal hugs to you, sister. It doesn’t sound like you’re having a fun time at the moment. I’ve been there – it sucks to get dumped. It especially sucks when it comes from nowhere – you thought everything was peachy and then BAM. Welcome to lonerville. Population: you.

I’ve been here. And let me tell you how it turned out. It was not pretty.

My first boyfriend. We went out for 8-9 months. I was besotted. I had gone from a person who literally NO ONE would talk to, to having a sweet, caring, intelligent, totally hot boyfriend. I couldn’t understand why someone so awesome could like me, but he did. For a little while.

I got too much for him. I did not have a good time at school and I struggled with depression and hating myself. I was so much fun when I was happy, but as time went by I grew less and less happy. I had a lot of emotions to work through, and I loved this guy and trusted him and dumped all of this on his shoulders. And it got too much for him. I can’t blame him. I wouldn’t have been able to handle me, either.

So he broke up with me. I didn’t take it too well. I went a little crazy. I was so in love and so happy and it totally floored me how much it hurt. It hurt more than a lot of the things bullies had done to me over the years. I did some stuff I’m really not proud of. His parents and my parents had a talk. I thought they were going to send me far, far away.

And one morning I just woke up and said “WTF?” I realised how ridiculous and selfish I was acting, and how my behaviour looked to other people, and how much I was hurting this person I supposedly loved. And just like that, I was ready to move on with my life.

Because of the shit that had gone down between us after the breakup, it was several years before he and I could look each other in the eye. Now, we’re not friends exactly, but we can hang out and everything’s cool. He’s still an awesome guy. We both understand that what happened in high school isn’t who we are now. We wish each other the best in life – it’s cool.

The reason you don’t feel any better is because you’re acting on all your conflicting feelings and not giving yourself space to grieve the relationship. You’re becoming the crazy ex, and you have to stop. Trust me, I was the crazy ex, and although everything’s okey now, that guilt doesn’t go away easily.

You don’t want to be the crazy ex, trust me on this. You don’t want to be the person responsible for causing pain and stress and anger and worry to another person, especially one you still care about. You don’t want to be the person your ex talks about with his mates over beer, where they all laugh about how nuts you are. You don’t want to be the person begging, the person saying “but I can’t live without you.”

You can live without him, and you don’t want to be the crazy ex.

You still love your boyfriend. But you’re angry with him, too. Angry and confused and frightened. You had a life with him – you had plans for the future. You had that security of knowing he was there. And now he’s not, and you don’t really understand what went wrong.

Maybe he was the most wonderful boyfriend in the whole world, but the fact is – he wasn’t happy with some aspect of the relationship, and that’s bothered him enough that he feels it’s time to move on. I’m not privvy to the details of your breakup, so I don’t know his reasoning, but he felt something wasn’t right for him. Maybe, once you’ve had a chance to mourn the relationship, you’ll be able to sit down and think about the things he said without crying, and you might start to understand where he was coming from. You might realise an aspect of your relationship wasn’t working as well as it could have, and you can formulate a plan to ensure this doesn’t happen with future lovers.

For now though, you can’t think that clearly. But consider this – he left you and you want him back. Why? Do you want a relationship with someone who’s not 100% satisfied with fabulous you? I don’t think so! He might be kreig, but he’s not the man for you!

You’re in a rational enough state that you can see your ex is not a bastard, and you can’t hate him. In many ways, breakups are easier if you can hate the person. But you love your ex so much you still want to be friends, even if you can’t have him, you still want him in your life.

But you can’t be friends with your ex right now. Maybe one day you can, but it can’t be now. I’ll tell you why. For three years you’ve come to him every time something horrible happened, and he’s made you feel better.

But this time, he can’t make you feel better when he’s the cause of the pain. You can’t expect him to hang out and be friendly and make you feel better when you both know the one thing you really want is for him to take you back. That’s not friendship.

Staying friends with your ex gives you control – you remain involved in his life and can keep an eye on his latest female interest. This isn’t friendship, either.

You need to stop trying to be friends with your ex, and cut off contact completly. No phone calls, no “hanging out”, no txts. Throw away your cellphone if necessary, unplug the internet, go and stay at a friend’s house in the next town over, anything to avoid that gnawing desire to cry at him and tell him how much he means to you.

When my second boyfriend and I broke up, I told him “I can’t see you for two months.” Even though the decision was totally mutual, I spent two weeks frantically pushing myself away from the phone so I wouldn’t ring him and beg him to take me back. It’s a symptom of suddenly being thrust into the world alone, again. The two months went by, we had coffee, the feelings had played their course without incident, and we’ve remained friends.

If you don’t give yourself space to grieve the relationship and rediscover yourself, neither of you a chance to really move on. And that’s not fair.

Here’s what WILL help:

Allow yourself to feel all the feelings. Take a day off work to cry, get angry, plot revenge, write a list of all their faults and bad habits. But don’t ACT ON THE FEELINGS. You’ve been acting on these feelings and causing unnecessary pain to yourself and you ex. Work through the pain in a healthy way, by relaxing, looking after yourself, being excited about the future, disentangling your lives, and reaffirming your own goals and plans.

Keep away from drinking, drugs and sex with other people. Your mind and soul are already fragile enough, don’t bruise them further.

Channel your mixed-up feelings into positive activities – create music, write, paint, volunteer at local charities. Instead of getting angry at him, get angry about water pollution or animal cruelty. Making a positive impact on the world will help you realise how special you are.

Take a course in something you would never normally consider: Indian cooking, karate, kite surfing – show yourself you’re ushering in a new chapter of your life.

Stop obsessing over mementos – find all those cute soppy letters you wrote, photos or the song lyrics dedicated to you, and stick them in a box, way at the back of the closet. (Don’t give them back or burn them, because twenty years from now, you wish you had them to remember the good times).

Fall in love with yourself, because you really, truly, cannot have a happy, fulfilling relationship with another human being until you have one with yourself. You can’t give away what you don’t have. Cultivate a deep, healthy friendship with your body, mind and soul. Take yourself to a movie, treat yourself to a picnic, go to see your favorite band, buy your favorite ice cream and eat the entire tub while reading your favorite book. If you can’t spend time with yourself without feeling isolated, weepy, frightened, uncomfortable or lame, you need to work on falling in love with yourself (it’s not selfish, I promise!) I’ll write more about that in an upcoming post.

And lastly, listen to lots of heavy metal. It really does soothe the aching soul.

Opeth - the perfect first date music

CDH and I never had a real “first date”. New Zealanders don’t really ‘do’ dating – we meet people through our friends, or random strangers at bars, we make shy glances at each other for awhile, we hang out as part of a group, develop a crush on said person, get drunk, hook up, and then have an awkward conversation about whether we want to make it a regular occurance.

If I had to define our first “date”, I would have to talk about two occasions. Our first “date” type occasion was before we were officially a couple: I was at home sewing a costume and enjoying an evening in when a friend txt me “We’re at shadows, heading up to Trial by Fire gig … with CDH.” Eeeeep! I couldn’t miss this! I threw on a Judas Priest shirt and some vinyl leggings (eep) and bussed into town.

The night did not dissapoint. Trial by Fire played a great set, and CDH and I headbanged side by side for nearly two hours. For their encore they played ‘The Trooper’ and the whole place went crazy. CDH grabbed me and the dude next to me and everyone in the front linked arms and headbanged across the stage. Heaven. I came home with a huge smile on my face and my heart fluttering.

My second “first date” memory was a few weeks after CDH and I started going out – and I’d talked him into going to see Opeth with me. He’d never heard them before, but he got swept along in my enthusiam and thought “what the hell.” Plus, I shouted him his ticket. He took me out for ice cream before the concert, then we met a bunch of my friends and shoved our way to the front of the pit.

I’ve read dating guides who say taking someone to a concert as a date is a HUGE no-no, but I vehermently disagree. Opeth were amazing – Mikael plays complex time-signatures while singing two different vocal styles AND looking hot at the same time. They were humble, brilliant, and hilarious. I felt like I’d been lifted to another world. Everytime I opened my eyes, there was CDH, banging his head, the same knowing glint in his eye. He got it.

That’s why I married him. Love at first headbang.

If you’re admiring that Iron Maiden t-shirt-clad hottie across the bar and you’re debating asking them on a date, think a little about where you go and what you do. You’re totally heavy metal, so even if it doesn’t work out, you want to be remembered as the person who rocked their world. Dinner and a movie ain’t gonna cut it. I’ve got ten ideas for killer first dates, Steff Metal style.

1. Open up your local gig guide, close your eyes, and point your finger. Wherever it lands – that’s where you’re going. I don’t care if it lands on the local hip hop bar – at least you’ll be the best-dressed person there!Dress up in your best metal gear, laugh all night at the terrible music and give each other silly dares, like chat up the bartender, enter the breakdance competition and write ‘Eminem is da Rulez’ on your forehead.

2. Visit the local museum – especially if they have any exhibits on Vikings, war or ancient history. Pack a picnic lunch and eat it on the museum steps. Afterwards, feed your leftover sandwiches to the birds. Birds are kreig.

3. If your potential beloved is not into metal (I know, horror of horrors, but it happens), take them to a Deicide concert. If they’re not afraid of you by the end of the night, they’re a keeper.4. Take all your instruments down to the park and have an impromptu accoustic jam. CDH and I did this once with my keyboard and whistle, and his flute, bass guitar and a couple of drums. We had so much fun and so many people gathered around to listen.

5. Go to the beach in a storm and take kreig photos posing on the rocks. Write each other’s names in runes in the sand.

6. Bake a birthday cake on Dimebag Darryl’s birthday and eat it in bed together while watching Pantera DVDs.

7. Invite them over to help you alphabetize your CD collection. If you’re a metalhead, you have more CDs than Hitler has enemies, so this is an all day activity. Kick your flatmates out and make steak sandwiches and drink mead and talk about music and life. Afterwards, verse each other at Guitar Hero – the loser has to run out for more beer.

8. Build a couch fort – nuff said

9. Dress up in your best 80s hair metal gear and hit the karaoke bar. Drink lots of rum and coke, and choose the most “metal” songs on the list to sing together. Do your best David Bowie and Axl Rose. To finish off the night, death growl to Britney Spears. Laugh together at your genius.

10. Take your camera and explore spooky places – cemeteries, old mills, asylums, parks. Take lots of ‘kreig’ photographs. You could even take a video camera and make a movie to show your friends. Afterwards, eat pizza, play ‘truth or dare’ and go splash in a fountain.

As usual, I’m passing this top ten list over to my kvltest readers. Do you guys have any other awesome ideas for kreig metal first dates? Have you been on an amazing date? A lousy date? Share with us!

Super Snuggles and Shoggoth Kisses
Steff

“Consider the flipside. Hey, we live like frat boys, but maybe we don’t want to live in a Bed, Bath & Beyond showroom. OK, we don’t call, but maybe you call, text, instant message, and Facebook too much? Yeah, sure, we talk about ourselves a lot, but only during the brief moments of silence when you’re not talking about yourself. And while we’re on the topic: We’re not cheap, your Daddy’s rich, not to mention that he was emotionally unavailable during your youth. And one other thing: That lipstick makes you look like the Joker.”

You can’t hold a person up to a fantasy “perfect partner” because sooner or later, they will fall flat. Yes, you need to understand yourself well enough to know what you want and need in a lover, but you can recite a laundry list of traits you expect them to adhere to. My husband doesn’t like Nick Cave. In fact, he can’t stand Nick. He’s obviously crazy, but I’m not going to divorce him any time soon.

We’re all losers, people. Dorky, metal-obsessed, nervous, sweaty-palmed losers. We’re defined by our “loserdom”, all of us. If you met me in real life you’d be talking to an extremely sky, oddly-dressed girl with wonky eyes and a tendancy to crash into things. I’m a total loser, and I would never want to be any different. Love is all about laughing at yourself with another loser – that’s what makes metalhead love so amazingly awesome. Love and kisses and Cephalic Carnage – how amazing is that?

The beautiful things in life aren’t easy, or simple, or compatible. I find the concept of “dating” so inherently flawed because so much of it is based on superficial attributes, and it’s spawned this whole dating culture, where we compare star charts, meet people online based on matching lists of favorite bands and read magazines that print those ‘how to spot a loser’ articles, and we can’t help but get sucked in, just a little.

Ladies, why are you wasting your time worrying about who’s paying for the check or how scuffed his shoes are or whether he’s called you today? Don’t we have more interesting stuff to wonder about, like how he’d look dressed in woman’s clothing or whether he’d like you to paint him a mural for his birthday? Aren’t there kittens to hug and sausage rolls to eat?

The thing about woman’s magazines everyone has to remember is that they’re targeted to an audience – young, successful woman who like to look good, feel confident, and take control. These are strong, sassy woman who’s men of choice – for reasons known best to themselves – resemble the men in these articles. But not all men are like this, not all woman are like this. We’re all losers, really.

Don’t worry whether you’re compatible – worry about whether you connect, whether you get each other. Whether being together just seems sensible. Worry about who will eat the last slice of pie, worry about which side of his neck to kiss him on, worry about that evil glint in her eye, worry about the fluttery feeling in your heart every time they walk past you in the hall and you happen to be carrying an entire stack of chocolate brownies and their very presence turns your entire body into a jelly blob which crashes into a pole and brownies fly everywhere …

Dating should not be about weeding the losers from the ‘creme’, whoever the fuck they are. Dating should be about meeting new, exciting and interesting people, and sometimes, maybe, feeling that connection that shoots lasers up your spine.

That’s all from me. Loser out!

Super snuggles and Shoggoth Kisses
Steff